The Audacious Tales of the Lost Cipher and Her Daredevil Crew
by Weird Writing Nerd
Summary: In the far, distant future, humankind has rotted away, governed under the corrupted rule of the Federation. However, from the depths of this depravity, a group of young heroes shall rise, with a stolen Federation ship rechristened as 'The Lost Cipher', they shall sail the sea of stars, dismantling the Federation, piece by bloody piece. They are the Mystery Kids. This is their tale.
1. Intro & Table of Contents

**So. A bit of backstory on this. Out of the blue, I had the urge to make a Mystery Kids AU where they're all space pirates, doing space adventures out in, you guessed it, outer space. I wrote down everything that popped into my head about that AU, and posted it to my tumblr. I thought that was that. It's gonna get, like, ten notes or something and I'll forget it ever existed.**

**But no. That post blew the fuck up. Folks loved the concept. I can't not follow through on that kind of support. So I made a whole-ass story out of it. This better blow the fuck up too, I swear to god.**

**This chapter is just a copy-paste of the MK Space Pirates AU post, so that folks here can know the premise. It's got a list of the first batch of chapters too, because I actually planned ahead this time.**

* * *

Anyway, yeah, i thought up of a Space Pirates AU for the MK out of the blue. Dunno if I'm ever gonna write an actual story out of it, but i still wanna get it out of my head. Here's what i came up with:

Coraline is The Captain, obviously.

Gets a shitton of nicknames real fucking fast, including but not limited to: Cerulean Flash, Menace of the Astral Sea, Angel of Iron, Witch Captain.

Raz is The Helmsman and also the XO (that's executive officer, basically the second-in-command). A Cocky Ace Pilot type character but like. Without the Ace part.

His piloting is just. Chaos. But he gets the ship through numerous scrapes mostly intact. He's doing his best and he's getting better.

Wybie is The Engineer, of both the ship and any other vessels/mechs/jets that they own.

Currently working on creating the universe's first ever Giant Mecha (he's basically making a gundam).

Lili is The Weapons Officer. Also the secondary pilot of the ship in case Raz isn't available.

Made a small garden onboard the ship. It's really simple right now, but she's working on it.

Coraline and Wybie are dating and Raz and Lili are dating but everyone can see there is Tension between Coraline and Lili and no one can tell where it's going or if it's even going to go anywhere.

Dipper is The Intel Officer. Is gathering a dragon hoard of information, but like he's a nice dragon who freely shares knowledge with others because access to free information is a Basic Human Right.

Also in charge of cyber warfare and will decimate you, you fucking scrub.

Mabel is The Medic. No one knows how she does it, not even her, but she keeps everyone alive and that's good enough for the crew.

Designs and knits everyone's pirate costumes by herself. Will never shut up about it, as she should.

Norman is The Navigator. Can still see ghosts probably. But like. They're space ghosts now.

Neil is the Logistics Officer and Chef.

Both are also the unofficial onboard psychologist.

Also, no aging up. These 13-to-15 year olds are wanted criminals committing piracy using a ship they stole from The Space Government. They are Good at it and they are Loving it.

Yes they STOLE a whole-ass ship.

Okay now i should start getting into the basic premise of the story which is:

Raz and Lili are special agents of the Space Federation/Space Government(?) that are tasked to recover a brand new experimental ship that got hijacked by pirates.

Coraline and Wybie are the newest recruits of the pirate crew that hijacked the ship because they live in the bad part of the universe and they wanted a chance for a better life.

Dipper and Mabel live in a backwater planet where nothing happens longing to see and explore the universe so they stowed onboard the first ship that happened to make port on their planet. Guess which ship it is.

Norman was abducted by the ship BEFORE the pirates hijacked it because he can see ghosts because the Space Government is shitty like that. The pirates just have him around because they don't know what to do with him.

Neil is like a janitor or something on the ship before it got hijacked. No one wants to be in charge of cleaning up so they let Neil keep his job. That's how he became friends with Norman.

Anyway. They all meet up. They become a team and eventually hijack the ship again from the pirates. All that's left to do is hand the ship over to the Space Government.

But wait! Dipper does some snooping around and finds out the ship is using some really powerful and dangerous technology. He doesn't know exactly what it's capable of but it CANNOT fall in the wrong hands.

Have I mentioned that the Space Government is shady as shit.

The group talk it out. There's some resistance, especially from Raz and Lili, but eventually they're in agreement.

An entire fleet of Space Government ships arrive, ready to intercept the ship. The crew sends a transmission to the leader of the fleet, flashes them seven middle fingers (because Neil would Never), and warps the fuck out.

And thus begins the MK's story as space pirates.

ALSO the ship they stole was probably named something like The Vengeance or some basic shit like that. But the MK renames it to the Lost Cipher (wink wink nudge nudge).

So then the rest of the story is the MK trying to figure out what the hell is up with their ship.

ALSO undermining the Space Government's shady shit wherever they go.

ALSO figuring out why Norman was abducted and why use this experimental ship to do it.

Also have some bonus extra kids under here because why not:

Eggs has been living in the vents for a few days before the MK finds him. Turns out he snuck onboard while the ship made port in a random junkyard planet a few systems back. They let him stay on because he's crazy good with machines. Now he's best buds with Wybie and helps him take care of all the tech onboard (and also with that mecha).

Winnie is the daughter of some rich aristocrat who is tired of living all rich and cushy and uptight. Also her dad is a dick. So she hires the MK to 'kidnap' her. Her dad tries to 'rescue' her, but obviously our heroes win. In the end, she joins the MK and becomes part of the boarding crew.

Kubo is a wandering musician and swordsman, but IN SPACE. And he doesn't use a ship or a spacesuit or anything, he just kinda. Flies. From planet to planet, station to station. Also his sword can cut entire ships clean in half? He might not be human? Or maybe he's just straight up magic? But he's nice and chill and works together well with the MK whenever they cross paths so the crew is cool with him. Doesn't officially join the MK until WAY later in the story because he's super OP.

Danny, Sam, Tucker, Valerie, Dani, and Jazz are another pirate crew currently on the rise, and that can only mean one thing: Rivals. But it's all friendly and in good spirits, except for some parts in the middle because Drama. Everyone KNOWS it's inevitable that they become one crew for good. And when they do, they would be Unstoppable.

Danny and Dani becomes part of the boarding crew and also they can see ghosts like Norman, Sam helps with intel, Tucker helps with engineering (and also with that mecha!), Jazz helps with navigation, and Valerie helps with weapons. Danny, Dani, and Valerie can also pilot their own personal jets if needed.

Wirt and Greg are two kids on the run because they accidentally pissed off a mysterious criminal known only as The Beast. Wirt begs the MK for protection, the MK felt bad for them, so they let the two join the crew for now. Wirt helps out Dipper with managing intel, Greg helps Neil out in the kitchen.

Star is a member of a royal family of an alien planet currently on the run because she escaped from a nasty, nasty boarding school. She crashlanded on a human colony, ran into Marco, and hid in her house for a while. Eventually she got found out and they both had to bail on the colony and Marco is forced to leave behind everything he's ever known but also he's always wanted an adventure so he is Conflicted. Then they run into the MK.

Thus the MK faces a Dilemma. Taking the two in means they're pissing off even more people, but they've already taken in other people and they've always been about aiding people and that Marco kid is pretty cute ngl, no one's gonna mind having him around. Will they help Star and Marco? Find out next time in

The answer is yes, of course they do. Star's on weapons, Marco's the close combat specialist, both are on the boarding crew.

Max, Isaac, Ed, and Isabel can also see ghosts, also have been abducted by the Space Government. The MK caught wind of this, so it's Go Time. Once the Daring Rescue is successful, they need a safe place to hide because the Space Government is def still on their ass. Guess where it is.

That's right. Welcome to the crew, Activity Club. (Btw im not caught up on paranatural recently so if anyone has a good idea for which position they could fill feel free to pitch in)

Aggie was abducted too and was kept on the ship with Norman for a while until she was transferred to a different place. Part of the Ongoing Mission is tracking her down and rescuing her.

* * *

**Act 1**

**Scenario 1: An Unfair Trial**

**Scenario 2: Ragna Drive**

**Scenario 3: Lone Swordsman of the Astral Sea**

**Scenario 4: Quiet Contemplation**

**Scenario 5: Race, Space Pirates!**

**Scenario 6: Bounty of the Beast**

**Scenario 7: Battle on Two Fronts**

**Scenario 8: Trial By Fire**

**Scenario 9: A Story of Siblings**

**Scenario 10: Nonexistent Code**

**Scenario 11: Runaway Royalty**

**Scenario 12: Well of Magic**

**Scenario 13: The Heiress and the Pirate**

**Scenario 14: Love and Life on the Lost Cipher**

**Scenario 15: Fated Crossroads**

**Scenario 16: Sundered Spirits**

**Scenario 17: Paranatural Activity**

**Scenario 18: A Wicked Convergence**

**Scenario 19: Soar, Warrior of Steel!**

**Scenario 20: Infinite Love**

**Act 2**

**(Coming soon...)**


	2. Scenario 1: An Unfair Trial

This tale began with a trial.

The location, the Justice Ward of Morning Star, a colony station in the Tau Ceti system. Known for housing extensive Federation fortification, but otherwise unremarkable.

The time, one in the afternoon, Local Galactic Time. Lunch break had just ended, the perfect time for a nap.

The judge, one Tobias Roux-Ashta. A small man with a small heart, his fingers as long as they are greedy. Tobias wanted what any small man in a backwater system would want; a way out, and up. He'd been grinning ear to ear from the moment he woke up this morning, because this case, one rushed to his desk by a red-faced assistant only a week ago, was his ticket out.

The defendant, the captain of the notorious Lost Cipher, captured at last.

The court room was circular. Chrome, cold, and cruel, just like the Federation whose judgment it enforced. The right wall was glass, allowing a view of the rest of the Justice Ward below and the celestial sea above, both under the Federation's grip. The gallery was filled, but this trial would not be graced by an audience of people. The only witnesses would be the guards in white and blue and the officers in their best uniforms; mindless dogs blindly loyal to the Federation. The jury stood at attention in their box, formless and faceless, clad in flowing silver robes and blank porcelain masks. The judge, one Tobias Roux-Ashta, stepped onto his seat, keeping his grin hidden underneath a scowl of stone.

The centerpiece of the room was, of course, the raised platform in the middle, lit by no less than three spotlights, where the accused would be judged.

The door opened with a hiss. A glimpse of blue locks was enough incentive for the guards to hover their hands closer to their pistols. The sound of heavy metal boots against polished steel, of feet against floor, echoed, the rhythm breaking the cold, deathly silence. Eyes brimming with fear, hate, intrigue, or a discordant mixture of the three, fell upon a most unlikely target. Entering the spotlight was the one, the only-

"Coraline Jones."

Coraline looked up at the mention of her name. Much to the judge's disappointment, even with her hands shackled in front of her and her feet weighed down by gravity boots, the ever-present smirk on her lips held true.

Nevertheless, the judge cleared his throat. The show must continue.

"A.K.A. Cerulean Flash, A.K.A. Angel of Iron, A.K.A. Witch Captain."

The owner of the listed monikers cocked her head. "Heard you the first time."

A small twitch of the eye betrayed the small man's bafflement. This teenage girl must know she wouldn't be leaving this building alive. In his eyes, a teenage girl should be panicking, crying, begging for mercy. His eyes have underestimated teenage girls, and would soon learn an important lesson: teenage girls are not to be underestimated.

"You have been charged for forty two accounts of damage and destruction of Federation property, thirty one accounts of assault against Federation personnel, treasonous plots against Federation government, and the theft of a top secret, experimental Federation ship."

Coraline nodded along as the judge listed off each crime - each victory - smiling most serenely all the while. They were good times.

With this turn of events, the judge was most definitely not smiling, neither inside nor outside. "How do you plead?"

The accused captain had expected this. Prepared for this. She was ready to retaliate with the perfect response.

"Not guilty."

A low murmur passed the room like a light breeze. Mostly restrained laughter and scoffs. Sneers were sent Coraline's way, but some nasty eyes reserved themselves for the judge. A criminal - a teenager - was in shackles, being tried in a fortified courtroom, surrounded by Federation personnel, and yet she managed to get a word in against him. What kind of judge would let that happen? A small man in judge's robes was still a small man, so he responded the only way a small man would - not well.

He slammed the gavel down; three, four, five, six times. The murmur settled, but the eyes were inescapable. A thin sheen of sweat now coated his wrinkled forehead as he quietly cleared his throat.

"There is concrete evidence placing you at the scene of each crime. If you attempt to challenge the judgement of this court, Miss Jones, you will fail."

The judge had no idea that Coraline played him for a fool. She had planned for many outcomes, and the small man playing judge had just blundered into the best one. She would have broken out what could be scientifically identified as a shit-eating grin, if only she wasn't pissed the fuck off.

"Fine," she began, a brilliantly placed seed of false hope. "But if I'm considered guilty of those crimes, then the Federation should be considered guilty of continuously giving leeway to the elites while leaving the majority its own citizens drowning in poverty and debt."

Shock. Surprise. Two words that could be used to describe the room as it fell silent. Then, an eruption of noise and outrage. The dogs have been disturbed by a threat to their master, and now they barked like they've contracted rabies. Too bad for them, the good captain wasn't interested in a cure.

"If I'm guilty, then the Federation is guilty of blowing obscene amounts of budget on the military division and starting pointless wars against foreign powers for no good reason."

Her voice was louder, but composed as ever, unlike the powder keg already set aflame behind her. Common wisdom stated one shouldn't play near burning powder kegs, but the good captain was no common girl.

"If I'm guilty, then the Federation is guilty of blatantly rigging elections especially against minorities, suppressing voters' rights, all the while maintaining the illusion of a 'democracy'."

Coraline Jones, a space pirate, an agent of chaos, maintained perfect composure while a courtroom of officers, keepers of order, shed their skin to reveal themselves as nothing more than dogs in uniform, devolving into anarchy. The irony was sweeter than Smile Dip.

One, two, three, four desperate bangs of the gavel brought some of the mutts to heel. The small man playing judge was sweating bullets. The porcelain masks of the jury bore holes into his chest. The teenaged devil on the podium had twisted this court against him, sent it spiraling into a black hole. He needed to save face, while he still had one.

"You are the one put on trial here, Miss Jones. Not our magnanimous government." The judge stood from his seat, rising to his full height of not a lot of inches. Men can be so adorable when they try to act intimidating.

Coraline blew a stray lock of hair back into place. "That's Captain Jones to you."

"Well, captain," the judge loomed, like a child on a stool lording over his dolls, "after you've been sentenced to hang and your head made to be a warning to all who dare oppose the Federation, I will make it my personal mission to hunt down the rest of your crew. Rest assured, there is no planet, no moon, no barren crevice where we cannot find them."

Not the most colorful threat Coraline had heard, but it sure was comprehensive. The man seemed rather pleased with himself, as well. Coraline could almost pretend to feel bad, knowing what would come next. The biggest bubbles are the easiest to pop.

"Now, now. No need for any of that."

Coraline looked up, stared the judge dead in the eye. She'd been counting the time, and the man's timing was literal perfection. The clock should turn to one past ten right about… now.

"They're already here."

The room turned black, then red. Sirens blared. Everyone knew what it meant. The station's perimeter had been breached. This Ward would be placed on lockdown. The courtroom looked amongst themselves. Tension, panic, fear, brewed and bubbled, a silent question hanging in the air: what was happening?

Only Coraline, and one motionless member of the jury, knew the answer.

It only took one guard to notice and belt out a scream for the other dogs to catch up. Through the glass wall, upon a backdrop of starlit darkness, was a glorious vision of mismatched black and white and deep purple. A vision that had made itself quite a notorious sight throughout the Federation.

The Lost Cipher. Experimental Federation ship, stolen and put to better use at the hands of the Mystery Kids. Has sped past most of the station's defenses, has no intention of slowing down. Not when there was a lunatic at the helm.

"More! Power!" screamed Raz, non-ace pilot and aforementioned lunatic-at-the-helm.

His target, the glass wall of one particular courthouse.

"Any more and we'll cut through the entire building!" Wybie's voice screamed back through the intercom. "I am not killing my girlfriend, and neither should you!"

"Energy output is exactly where it should be, Raz." Dipper minimized the energy usage window on his display. A double check never hurt. "You should focus your attention on not missing the target."

Raz would have shot a look over his shoulder, but the brainiac's got a point. Missing would be embarrassing. Not to mention, lethal.

Watching the courtroom fall apart around her was nothing short of a delight for Coraline. The judge, the jury, the guards, the audience; all made a mad scramble for the door once the ship's intent became clear as crystal. It was almost like they forgot the room was in automatic lockdown.

Almost unnoticeable in the midst of the chaos, a lone member of the jury remained in their box. When they moved, it wasn't to flee; it was to discard their robe with a flourish and slam the porcelain mask against the floor, cracking it in three. In their hands, kept hidden the entire time by their robes, was a pair of oxygen masks.

Lili Zanotto, weapons officer of the Lost Cipher, tossed one to her captain, before fitting another over her face. Coraline caught it in her shackled hands, barely glancing, and fitted the device over her face. The timing was impeccable.

Impact. The shattering of glass. The figurehead of the Lost Cipher now occupied the space between the podium and the judge's bench. A circular opening was made on the window where the ship breached. A gap to the cold vacuum of space. Whether you're a high-ranking colonel or a lowly guard no longer mattered. Space carried the reaper's scythe, dragging the screaming souls through the gap the Lost Cipher made, indiscriminate, to be rendered into nothing but frozen stardust.

Coraline stood tall on the podium, unfazed, unflinching, as the dogs flew past her, screaming, sucked into the starlit darkness. She mouthed a thank you to one of the guards as he whizzed by to his death. After all, they were the ones who fitted these gravity boots on her.

Lili flew towards the gap, arms out, exactly as planned. Coraline raised her hands, and caught Lili's in a firm grip. The weapons office gave her captain a blank look, then a once over.

"Prison orange looks terrible on you," she said. A brilliant, blatant disrespect for the fashion sense of Federation prisoners.

Coraline shrugged. As if she had a wardrobe to choose from. "The sooner we get this done, the sooner I can slip into something more comfortable."

Lili tried - oh, how she tried - to fight back the rising blush, but the vast universe simply has inevitabilities. One among them was her cheeks matching the red of her hair. The worst part, she had no idea if Coraline was doing it on purpose, and she couldn't find out for herself. Times like these make her miss her psychic powers.

Lili shook her head. She couldn't work with those thoughts bugging her. Nor could she work with the vacuum of space threatening to suck her out. She put a finger on her earpiece. "Send in the bubble bath."

"Bubble bath, coming right up!" Neil replied, followed by a giggle. The young logistics officer and chef couldn't help it. Not every day he got to be part of a spacewalk.

All suited up in a space suit, foam launcher in hand, a tether on the hip just in case, Neil exited the ship, along with three of his friends and fellow crew members. He made his way along the length of the Lost Cipher, his designated spot clearly marked on his display, as his three companions broke off to head towards theirs. No issues were encountered as he reached his spot. He held the foam launcher at the ready, aimed at the gap between the ship and the glass, and waited.

"Remember; painting motions, back and forth," Winnie said, tired. Just her luck to be stuck with the three people on the ship with the least amount of spacewalk experience. At least one of them was Eggs. He's cute. "We start together at the count of three."

Eggs nodded. Still had no idea why he got chosen for this job, but he's determined to do good by it. He twisted the nozzle. The launcher was cocked, and charging. "And a one, and a two, and a-!"

Foam spewed forth from the launchers. The spraying motion - back and forth, back and forth - made sure to cover the gap between what's left of the window and the Lost Cipher with foam. The substance cooled, hardened, forming an airtight, if temporary, seal.

"Nice work, bubble boys and girls!" Raz clapped. "Back to the ship and back to your stations."

"Rogerino, acting capitano," Mabel replied. A press of a button on her belt, and she, along with the other three, were pulled back inside the ship.

With the gap sealed, the air in the courtroom stilled. No artificial gravity, but it's hardly a problem for an ex-Federation special agent like Lili. She pulled out her plasma knife and got to work on the shackles binding Coraline's wrists.

"Is all this really worth a stupid gift?" she asked. A genuine question she had ever since this scenario was set in motion.

"First, it's not stupid, so shut up." The plasma cut through the metal like butter. Coraline took a moment to shake her wrists. Felt good to be out. "Second, it's worth the look on Wybie's face."

Lili paused. Gave her captain a pointed look, opened her mouth to speak, but deciding against it. She moved on to the boots instead. She hated hypocrites, and what she wanted to say would have made her into one.

Norman watched Lili start working on the boots through a nearby security camera that survived the impact, his breath bated, his teeth gritted. So much so that he jumped when a different notification popped on his display. A click, and a different feed from a different, distant security camera appeared. Jets of white and blue, single-seater, were dispatched from another Ward of the station. A squadron of them. Their affiliation: Federation police. Their target: the Lost Cipher.

"They're scrambling the flying pigs." Norman glanced to his right. "Dipper?"

Dipper smirked. Took a moment to crack his knuckles, just for show. "Don't have to tell me twice."

He opened his cyber warfare suite, and his fingers danced. Intercepting the dispatch's signal to the jets took seconds. Scrambling the message and making a dummy copy of it was easier than taking candy from a sleeping baby. He'd spent more effort filling the junior crossword puzzle than he did feeding the gullible dogs the altered message. Not that it was ever going to particularly difficult to begin with. In these backwater stations, the security was, and always will be, absolute garbage. Nothing a graduate of the Hirsch-Terrace Institute couldn't crack.

"The pigs are going for a dip in the wrong mud pit." Two final taps of the keyboard, and Dipper leaned back, arms crossed, shooting a smirk at Raz. "On the other side of the station."

Raz rolled his eyes, but nodded, and put a finger on his earpiece. "Lil, we got the five-o chasing a wild goose for now, but it's not gonna last forever."

Lili growled under her breath. Cutting the boots open with the knife didn't work - the metal's too tough - and hotwiring it was taking too much of her time and effort than she cared for. Ripping the damn thing apart with her mind would've been so easy. Instead, she was stuck with these cumbersome tools - a poor substitute for the most dangerous weapon known to man.

"Someone in here must've had the remote for the boots."

"Someone out there, you mean."

Another low growl. She knew there was something they overlooked. Never again will she wrap a briefing early. Her eyes drifted down to the platform below her. If it came to it, she could cut out the section of the podium Coraline was standing on and bring it with them. Which actually would be pretty funny.

Lili was halfway through the motion of plunging searing plasma into the podium when she caught movement in the corner of her eye.

The judge - small, shaking, and scared - survived by hiding in his box-shaped judge's bench and holding on tight until his nails bled. But his woes weren't over. He had to move fast, lest he let the lack of oxygen get him. That was why he darted out of his hiding spot, desperately hoping the two space pirates on the podium failed to notice him. A hope that was dashed when a plasma bolt whizzed by only a feet away from the tip of his crooked nose.

"You. Boomer." Lili centered her pistol's aim between the judge's fishbowl eyes. "You have the remote. Hand it over."

Outnumbered, outgunned, and slowly dying from lack of oxygen, the fool thought the most pertinent decision at the moment was to bare his fangs. "So typical for the Federation's criminals to resort to using such a lowly slur against me," he spat. Screw my own life, the delusional moron must have thought. The name of the great Federation must be defended! "You think there's a version of this story where you come out on top? You think you will get a happy ending? The Federation is tireless. The Federation is endless. The Federation will bring all dissidents like you under its-!"

Whatever great, quote-worthy words he had left in the barrel was silenced by the roar of a pistol and the sizzle of plasma searing flesh. The pretend judge screamed and cried like a baby without a bottle, clutching the red stump where his left leg once was.

"That was a warning shot." Lili's pistol, smoking still, lit up, another shot charging and aimed. "You only get one."

Coraline met the small man's terrified eyes. A smirk and a shrug finally conveyed to the small man just how trivial his life was in this story. "We've got nothing against looting corpses."

Shaking hands reached inside black robes to pull out a small remote. One hasty throw later, the remote was in Lili's hands. A press of a button, a delightful double beep, and the boots were deactivated, leaving Coraline free to float in zero-G.

"God, I missed this," the captain mused, wearing a deserved, satisfied smile. Another crime - another victory - to add to the rap sheet.

But dinner isn't served until the food has left the kitchen, and both pirates knew that fact well. They swam through the air with ease, touching down on the Lost Cipher's figurehead. The remote changed hands again - to Coraline's this time. She activated the boots, securing her to the ship, and damn near nothing could break that bond. A contemplative smile crossed her lips as she looked down. With a tweak or two, such a feature could come in handy.

But there she went, getting ahead of herself again. One matter at a time, good captain.

Coraline turned to face the crying baby not even trying to play pretend judge anymore. The leading, dignified, victorious pirate captain stared down the small, sniveling, defeated man. She wanted, nay, needed to have the last word in. After all, a spectacular entrance required an equally spectacular exit.

"We might not get a happy ending," she stated, a verse to be sung until the heat death of the universe, "but we'll make sure you won't get one either."

Lili had joined Coraline, her eyes screaming murder, no psychic power necessary to convey it. She wrapped an arm around Coraline's waist and put a finger against her ear. "Raz, we're done here."

The ship jolted. Lili's command moved to Raz, then to Wybie. The thrusters were put on reverse. The hardened foam covering the gap between the ship and the window began to crack. The Lost Cipher would soon be leaving the station.

The crying man took notice of the cracks forming in the foam, his face paling even further than it already was. He scrambled, flailed, made an even bigger fool of himself in a desperate rush to reach the exit before the inevitable came. He reached the door, still had time to spare to input the code necessary to disable the lockdown, exited the courtroom, healed his wounds, replaced his missing leg, and proceeded to have a full and meaningful life.

Hah. He wished.

The Lost Cipher broke free. The merciless vacuum of space came rushing in.

The judge has found his way out.

He was long dead by the time his corpse froze over, his visage forever locked in an expression of horror, doomed to drift in the vast, dark, cold expanse of the astral sea for all eternity.

Or until a plasma shot shattered him into a million glittering pieces.

Coraline stared at her left, at the weapons officer with a smoking plasma pistol in her hand.

Lili stared at Coraline back. "Like you wouldn't."

Coraline laughed. She knew her so well.

The ship rotated, the thrusters accelerating to full speed, leaving the mostly unremarkable Morning Star station behind. All they needed next was a warp jump, and the Lost Cipher would truly be home free. But first things first.

Coraline fished out a small data disk from the inside of her trousers. The ultimate prize that made a week's worth of jail time so, so worth it. Now that it's outside of the Federation's jamming range, transferring the data was as easy as opening the interface and hitting send. Lili rolled her eyes, seeing this, but dutifully put a spare earpiece in her captain's open hand.

Coraline placed the earpiece on her ear. "Hey, babe," she tried not to sound too pleased as she hit send, "got a present for ya."

"Huh?" Wybie's voice came through. Simply imagining the dumb look on his face gave her butterflies in her belly.

A ding as the file finished transferring. A beat of silence. Then, a high pitched squeal. Coraline grinned.

"Happy Valentine's."

* * *

**There. I did it. Chapter one of many, many more.**

**But seriously, this is a lot of fun to write. If you noticed the style of this is different than how I usually write, then good eye! I practiced using omnipresent third person instead of my usual limited third person view, and I had a blast doing it.**

**If I'm being perfectly honest, I've been avoiding using omnipresent third person this whole time, because I've seen how it can easily lead to bland writing. But I've also read great stories using this POV, so I always wanted to at least experiment with it. A great advice I got when it comes to writing in this POV is to also give your narrator a personality, a voice, instead of leaving it just as a blank, passive observer. So, I just gave the narrator mine. Now, whenever the narrator speaks, you are reading the voice, the personality, of Wil.**

**Next chapter coming to you as soon as it is finished. Until then!**

**If you would like to follow my writing and show your support, check out my tumblr! There's a link to it on my profile.**


	3. Scenario 2: Ragna Drive

This tale began with a boom.

And another boom. This one, not nearly as dangerous. Only caused by a vault door falling flat on the floor, once the first boom had blown it off its hinges.

Wybie was the first to emerge from the smoke, caution cranked to eleven, peering down the opened doorway, a compact shield strapped around his left arm - a trusty aegis ready to be deployed with the press of a button.

"Huh." He cocked his head to one side. "No turrets, no drones, no cybernetically-enhanced rodents? This is going a lot smoother than I expected."

"Yes." Dipper joined his friend. His eyes, as they were wont to do in these situations, narrowed, forever critical, eternally analyzing. "Almost... suspiciously smooth."

"Lighten up, captain buzzkill." Raz walked, nay, _strolled_ up to them. His stride was long, and confident, and would have you believe he's not breaking into the most secure facility in the sector. "Just means we planned this down to a T."

Eggs rushed to rejoin the others, skittish like a mice in a maze, palms growing sweaty from holding his electric rod a tad too tight. Being part of the away team wouldn't be his first choice, but the little tinkerer hated disappointing his friends. "And didn't you say the line about how this place is run by geniuses was complete bollocks?"

Norman coughed, waving away the smoke. With his constitution, it was ill-advised for him to join the excursion, but when the chance for answers presented itself, the temptation was too much, and no risk was too great. "Dipper will be Dipper." Norman smirked, but a moment later, as he met Dipper's eyes, something altogether more genuine shone through. "At the same time, Dipper _is_ Dipper."

Dipper reciprocated. A moment of warmth, genuine and tender, in the midst of chaos, between close friends. Or so both parties insisted. "Thank you, Norman."

"I'm not saying we go full Rambo or anything." Raz shrugged. "Just gotta appreciate the small victories."

"There's some logic to that. Surprisingly." Dipper ate up the pointed look Raz shot him. And the delicious dance of one-upmanship continues. "But now is the time to think _big_. I'm sure Wybie would agree."

Wybie affirmed the notion with a snort. "Big. I get it."

The five pirates stared down the path granted to them by a few strategically-placed explosive charges. They still had a long night ahead of them.

But let's rewind a bit, shall we?

The location, the Extra Terrestrial Technology Investigative Institute. Referred by most as simply, ETTI Institute. A lunar base on the moon of Vadim VII, where the Federation's best, bravest, and brightest study excavated ancient alien technology. Or so the pamphlet would have you believe.

The time, ten minutes past midnight, Vadim VII Time. A time for rest, recuperation, and slumber. A time where many, many facilities are operated by only the minimum number of staff.

The quarry, the blueprint of an experimental engine reverse-engineered from alien technology, said to produce power on a scale hitherto undreamt of, dubbed the 'Ragna Drive'. Enough to fulfill the power requirements of, say, a giant humanoid robot.

The reason, to fulfill the boyhood dream of one Wybourne Lovat. Refer to the line above for a hint of said boyhood dream.

The plan, to separate into two teams. Team one - Wybie, Dipper, Raz, Eggs, and Norman - will infiltrate the vault of ETTI Institute and extract the Ragna Drive blueprint directly from their database. Team two - Coraline, Lili, Mabel, and Winnie - will take the staff hostage to prevent them from activating the automated defense, or worse, notifying the Federation. Neil will stay on the Lost Cipher; keep it running and ready for a rapid exit. Currently, the plan had unfolded much, _much_ smoother than any of them had expected. Almost suspiciously smooth, to quite the Lost Cipher's intel officer.

"Why are we getting dragged into this again?" Raz placed his hands behind his head - a gesture one such as you would be familiar with. "It's Wybie's Valentine's gift. Dragging Coraline in, I get - she got you the coordinates in the first place - but far as I know, things between us are strictly platonic."

Eggs stared at him like he's stupid, which was only marginally true. "Because we're best friends?"

Raz laughed. Couldn't argue with cold, hard facts like that. "Alright, alright." He pointed a finger towards all the boys present. "Next Valentine's, you guys are getting roped into _my_ plans."

A small shrug from Wybie hid the deviousness of his retort. "Fine. Then you don't get a turn on the giant robot."

The change was instantaneous.

"Kidding!"

The reaction, the look, the way Raz's voice rose by an octave at the last syllable - it was too much for Wybie and Eggs. Giggles were had, and they were joyous.

Dipper watched it unfold, purposefully placing himself a meter behind the group. His traitorous lips curved upwards, despite his best efforts. What a crew. What a family.

"Captain, we're in the vault. How's the situation on your end?"

* * *

"Under control. No joke."

Self-deprecation was not a good look for a captain, but Coraline couldn't seem to help herself. Not that anyone could blame her. One of the Federation's top institutes for xenotechnology, currently storing the only known blueprint of an extremely powerful experimental engine, no less. Infiltrating that would be next to impossible, even for the crew of the Lost Cipher. And yet, here they are.

"It's quiet here too." Dipper's voice came after a moment of dead air. "I don't like it."

Coraline could picture it clear in her head. The swivel-eyed manic of the intel officer. "You don't have to like it," she said, then waited. He knew how the phrase ends.

"You just gotta do it." A sigh. "I'll check in again in ten minutes."

A beep signaled the end of the transmission. The hand on her earpiece returned to the hilt of her cutlass. She leaned back against the desk, and finally met the expectant eyes that have been boring holes into her for the past minute.

"The boys are doing fine. Everything's going according to plan."

Lili made a hum, an affirming noise, heard from across the room. "First time for everything."

A jab at the boys would have usually followed, but the captain just didn't seem to have it in her tonight. Might have something to do with the way her gut's been sloshing worse than the typhoons of Endecalus. Repression had never been her strong suit.

"This doesn't feel right." And the truth was out there. "Federation's shitty - I know that, but holding a place of learning like this at gunpoint… I don't like it."

Lili looked ahead, and only then realized the distress on Coraline's face. She really had been too reliant on her powers. The signs were all there. Of course the good captain's conscience wouldn't sit well with this scenario, even if it was for the sake of her beloved.

"And once again, the folks at the bottom are the ones getting hit, when the problem's all the way upstairs." Coraline sighed. Chose to stare at a random dot on the wall. "These poor folks didn't do anything wrong."

Lili smacked her lips. "Well." The ever-present dilemma reared its head once more. Lili had no answer for it, long term, but for the current situation, she had one that might suffice. "That's why we brought Mabel."

Coraline hummed - it sufficed. In the room adjacent to this one, Mabel was fulfilling her duty, and to an extent, Neil's duty. The unfortunate staff of the Institute - mostly researchers who stayed overnight and night shift guards - sat on the floor, pensive and bewildered, watching the notorious space pirate holding them hostage laying down what was essentially a picnic basket before their very eyes.

"Sorry again for this whole hostage situation thing, it's nothing personal. My friend just has this _thing_ he wants to build, but to do it he needs a _thing_ that you have, and this thing isn't something you'll hand over _ever, _even if we asked pretty please with a cherry on top, so. I'm gonna make this the _best_ dang hostage situation of _your life_." Mabel clapped her hands together and rubbed them. The fine spread she laid out watered even her mouth. "Our chef is a _god_ at what he does, and I'm not saying this just because I'm his BFF forever and ever and ever. And don't be afraid to ask for seconds! He went _all_. _Out_."

And off she went, going from one befuddled hostage to the next, handing out packets of cookies, bagels, cupcakes, pretzels, stuffed bread, and small containers of water, milk, tea, fruit juices, all the while maintaining a big, toothy, silly smile. A smile unfitting for an average Federation civilian's perspective of a space pirate.

The scene, bizarre as it was, was oddly touching. A reminder of where their true allegiance lies. And Lili's heart grew warmer that night. Coraline's didn't, but only because she was paying attention to the other half of the room.

"Maybe we shouldn't have paired her with Winnie."

Indeed. Any goodwill Mabel gained through snacks and niceties was understandably mitigated by the fact that Winnie stood tall behind her, glaring, clad in full combat armor, and wielding a heavy machine gun half her size.

Lili expanded her perspective. When the moment struck, she cringed. "To be fair, we were expecting something a little more… intense."

"Eh. It's a standard 'good pirate, bad pirate' play." Coraline wanted to continue, but paused. A thought just clicked in her mind. A thought that she should've had long before this juncture. "They… _do_ know that's what they're doing, right?"

Indeed, they are not. There was no coordination. No communication. Mabel's intent when she entered the room was to serve, to ease the predicament of the unfortunate staff in whatever way she could. Winnie's intent when she entered the room was to intimidate, to make clear the consequence should any funny business arise. Their very different goals clashed, and it showed.

Case in point. A fresh, baby-faced night guard tore his bread in half, made a face upon seeing the contents, put the pieces back together, and placed the bread beside him. Winnie, who caught half of the act, promptly marched over to him and shoved the business end of her machine gun against his chest.

"You trying to be cheeky, mate?" Winnie shoved the gun harder, just to emphasize. Not that it was necessary. The baby-faced night guard could only sputter and stammer, because a massive machine gun was being pressed against his chest.

This only provoked the beast. "No, no, don't act dumb now. I saw you putting that bread together." A nod of her head pointed towards the discarded bread. "What'd you do? Turned a tracker on and hid it in there? Started a call with someone? Am I right or am I right?"

The night guard gulped, hard. Thankfully, his mushy, fried brain finally, finally strung together a coherent sentence, and sent the message to his tongue.

"I- I'm… vegan?"

Winnie blinked.

"Well, why didn't you say so? Silly!" Mabel rushed over, open basket in hand. "Our chef also made some vegan alternatives. Like I said, he is. _The best_."

Winnie pulled away, but the glare on her face sent a clear message: he's on thin ice, and she's watching him. The dark stain on his pants grew in diameter.

Another case.

"E-excuse me?"

Winnie whipped around, gun raised, aimed center mass at a cowering researcher with a container of chocolate milk in her hand.

"Don't shoot me, I'm just lactose intolerant!"

Mabel was by her side in record time. "Soy milk, then? Or maybe you want something else. Tea? Orange juice?"

Coraline and Lili watched the scenario unfold in silence. Both had their arms crossed. Both silently agreed even they couldn't hope to cope with that kind of emotional whiplash. At one point, Coraline sniffed.

"They are going to need extensive therapy after this. And you just _know_ the insurance won't cover that." Lili's eyes narrowed, memories of a different life returning to her. "Wait, I _worked_ for the Federation. I _know_ the insurance doesn't cover that."

Coraline glanced at the clock. The ten minutes were almost up. Strangely captivating shows sure helped pass the time.

"Dipper, it's been ten. What's the sitch?"

* * *

"Pop quiz," Dipper asked back. "If I'm the human equivalent of bland oatmeal, what kind of method would I use to discourage people from going into my vault?"

There was barely a beat. "A… hallway of lasers."

"And the captain goes home with a hundred points."

An amused snort. "Score." A shift in tone. Dipper could practically see the good captain towering over him. "Now make sure _you_ score that blueprint."

"Will do. See you in ten."

The transmission went cold. Dipper rejoined his friends ahead. A winding criss-cross of red lines stretched in the hallway before them, making an admirable attempt at mimicking the walls of Dipper's cabin. The only thing missing were the pictures and color-coded pins.

"Didn't even make it invisible." Condescending tuts left Raz's lips. Add in a slow head-shake, and he looked the spitting image of that one teacher you had. You know the one. "Amateurs."

Norman, ever the realist, had just the thing to say. "Doesn't make it any easier to cross."

Raz, ever the smug bastard, had just the smirk to wear. "For you."

The non-ace pilot reached high, dropped low, limbered up, and stretched out. Muscle decay was a very real issue even for an adept athlete such as Raz. Stretching would never stop being important until the end of his days. After all, if one wanted a performance to be perfect, a perfect amount of practice was required.

Dipper, ever the pain in Raz's backside, had already donned his pointed glasses and fiber gloves while Raz was still loosening his triceps. No self-respecting hacker would leave his den without a mobile cyber warfare suite. His self-loathing wasn't _that_ strong.

Display, opened. Disabling program, running. Energy pulse, charged. A hand raised and pointed, and. _Release_.

The red lines blipped out of existence in a wave, rapidly, one after another. Like a master magician, Dipper transformed the hallway ahead to be just like the hallway behind. The act earned a glowing reception from Norman, Wybie, and Eggs, but just like a reactionary critic, Raz's response was a bit more mixed.

Dipper pushed the glasses further up the bridge of his nose, the light reflecting from his display obscuring his eyes. "All according to plan."

Wybie and Eggs marched ahead, a spring in their step, because why wouldn't they? They were one step closer to a giant robot. Raz would be counted among that group, usually, but in this occasion, he stayed behind. Locked in a duel of eyes with the insufferable intel officer.

"Showoff."

"Hypocrite.

Norman walked past between them. "And... kiss."

Norman was quick to leave soon after. He knew when his job was done. The duel continued, though it now carried a different heat than before.

"I had that."

"There was still room for human error." Concern through a mask of hard facts. As Dipper as could be. "Unless you want more scars on your pretty face?"

Raz grinned and, he would insist, didn't blush. "I reject your sarcasm and will take that as a genuine compliment."

* * *

"I spy with my little eye… something round."

"That mug over there?"

Coraline took a moment to imitate a doe-eyed guppy. "Shit. You sure you're not psychic anymore?"

Lili laughed, but it was bitter and hollow. How she wished the answer to that question was anything other than a yes.

She breathed the bitterness away. "My turn." Her eyes swept the room, searching for a most unlikely object that would surely befuddle the cunning captain. Playing I Spy was a lot easier than dealing with the moral conundrums of their actions.

"I spy with my little eye… something blue."

Blue. An easy, general start. Coraline already spotted some likely candidates. A monitor glowing light blue. A pair of gloves, faded but still blue. A decorative action figure, dressed primarily in blue. Hell, the captain herself could count, with her blue hair.

"Something unique."

An adjective. Always guaranteed to make things difficult. Uniqueness is relative to each person. How could Lili expect Coraline to know her definition of unique? If it came to it, the good captain wasn't above considering her own self as unique.

"Something… beautiful."

Coraline paused. Glanced at Lili and studied her face. Blue, unique, and beautiful. An attempt at flirting from the weapons officer, at long last? She could take that risk, assume it to be that way, at the risk of looking like a complete idiot if she assumed wrong. But what's life without taking risks?

"Me?"

It was a shame Lili wasn't drinking anything, because that would have been one hell of a spit take.

"Wow. Your ego is finally big enough for that hat." Lili pointed, and Coraline followed, at a potted plant sitting pretty by a sink. The leaves were blue, sparkled with a certain beauty to it, unlike any plant Coraline had seen before. "_Lappidis sapphirini_. Only grows on Vadim VII."

Coraline's lips thinned into a line as straight as she was not. An embarrassing setback, but now she's in the mood. No way was she going to drop it now. "Sure is convenient that plant's there to cover for you."

"Believe what you want. The truth doesn't change." Lili crossed her arms. A scoff and an aversion of sight completed the routine. Highly presumptuous of the captain to think she would want to perform this song and dance in such a critical mission.

But for Coraline, the present danger only enhanced it, elevated the song and dance. Made it all the more enticing. And as the imagined tune in her head slowed, the dance had no choice but to obey. She moved closer, standing in front of Lili, one hand on the wall behind the fiery flower, using her height to her advantage. Doth the good captain has borrowed too much of the engineer's secret stash of mature literature.

A fellow connoisseur of such literature would recognize the action as a 'kabedon'.

"Look me in the eyes, and just _try_ saying that again." Coraline leaned closer, the gap closing millimeter by precious millimeter, until Lili could feel the captain's breath against her skin, and Lili _squirmed_ in that way that Coraline simply _adored_.

"_Coraline_…" Oh, the way Lili's voice trembled saying her name? _Heavenly_. Sent her heart galloping like a wild stallion. The urge to close the gap between them had never been so strong. "What about Wybie? And Raz?"

"Wybie doesn't care as long as I listen to him do his dumb, cute rants about machines and kiss him _just_ right once in a while." Coraline saw how Lili bit her lip at the mention of kissing. She _liked_ it. "And your boyfriend wants us to be an item more than we do."

The poor, precious flower hadn't the strength to lift her petals to bloom, instead choosing to wilt towards her roots, so Coraline gently, tenderly moved to rectify that. Calloused fingers placed itself under a soft chin, urging it to rise, further and further, until finally, scarlet met hazel.

"C'mon. Let's try."

For a moment, Coraline allowed herself to hope. The gap grew smaller. Lili's hot breath tickled her skin, just like her own breath must tickle hers. But alas, it seemed it was too much. Lili withdrew, wilting, eyes losing contact. Coraline swallowed a sigh. If Lili wasn't ready, then she wouldn't push it. Coraline pulled away, withdrawing.

Until a hand shot up to grab her collar.

"Sure."

Oh, poor captain. So focused on the flower that she forgot about the flames. So utterly unprepared to find herself suddenly on her knees.

"Let's."

A harsh tug of the collar forced Coraline to look up. A performance worthy of a Space Oscar had been shed away, and bursting from that cocoon, was a looming, smirking deity, shining and burning, beautiful and dangerous, like the brightest star in the astral sea.

"Hmm. Quite the view." It really was. Her poor and precious flower act completely fooled Coraline. If her reward for the lie was an image of the great pirate captain Coraline Jones on her knees, jaw hanging open, a pretty shade of red on her cheeks, Lili would've done it more often. "Maybe I can learn to like this."

But the captain wasn't one to stay down. The initial surprise might have given Lili an edge, but once Coraline regained her bearings, there was little Lili could do to stop her from rising back to her full height. "I won't let you learn much."

"You think _you_ wear the pants in this mess?" Lili refused to back down. Who gives a damn about height anyway?

"I mean, I can still look kick-ass in a dress." Coraline relished the challenge. This was _so_ much more fun than a delicate flower. A flower wouldn't be able to handle Coraline capturing her chin in her hands, or pressing her against the wall, or moving one leg between hers. "But I'm always on top."

Lili grabbed onto Coraline's shoulders and pulled her closer, deeper, darker. No room for any god here. "Only because you never danced with me before."

A battle of dominants. A war of contrasts. Blue and red. Sea and sun. A captain of the astral sea and a goddess of fire. Equally enchanting. Equally menacing. Equally unwilling to let the other emerge victorious. What force in this universe could possibly break this stalemate?

The answer was five rapid raps against the window.

Coraline and Lili _jumped_, like toddlers being caught eating cookies before dinner. They turned to the source, and saw Winnie through the glass, making a scarily fine impression of a disappointed mother. And Mabel was also there, making an exaggerated impression of a crazed sports fan. At least the hostages had the decency to avert their eyes.

Oh yes, to freshen the memory, the hostage situation never stopped being a thing.

The cheeks of both Coraline and Lili achieved a shade of red never before seen in human history.

"You better hope no one buggered off while you were busy shacking up," Winnie's voice came through the earpiece, "or those fraternization policies might be back on the table."

A lot of scoffs and denials poured forth from both flustered teens. Too many, to be perfectly frank.

Winnie rolled her eyes and walked away from the window. She still had other things to worry about. Mabel practically shot stars from her eyes and pressed her face against the window.

With cheeks still burning red, Lili nudged Coraline, whispering, "You paid attention, right? No one got out?"

"Nah, definitely not." A pause. A moment to reconsider a more fitting word. "Well. _Probably_ not."

'Probably' was the correct choice of word. It was not an absolute. It left the possibility open that someone did manage to slip away while they were otherwise, _ahem_, distracted.

Because someone did.

Jonathan Teletha Estarossa, local rich idiot who got a job at the institute mostly due to the aforementioned richness, took advantage of the heated moment between passionate comrades to sneak out of the room he was held in and into the hallway, out of sight.

He paused, held a hand against his chest, feeling his heart beat like they were about to burst from his chest. That was the most excitement he ever had in his sad, sad life. Not that being unnoticed by women was ever particularly difficult for him. This idiot was, and always will be, a living woman repellant.

After an embarrassing amount of time gasping and heaving, he stood straight, eyes dead set on his goal. Unfortunately, for our brave space pirates, this idiot's goal was not a simple, selfish escape.

"Those damn femoids will pay."

That should tell you everything there was to know about him.

* * *

The barrier of blast-proof glass slowly lowered with a hiss. The searing web of plasma beyond deactivated line by line. A coveted data drive, hovering and rotating in place, shot out of its metal hollow by way of electromagnetic manipulation. Its destination, the metal-gloved hands of the Lost Cipher's chief engineer, much to the delight of the eternal ten year old boy within.

"Ragna Drive blueprint," Wybie raised the drive in his hands to the heavens, victorious, "_get_!"

He turned his burning gaze to his friends, his compatriots, his brothers-in-arms. The family that got him this far. It was the least he could do to flash them a grin of boiling blood.

"_Giant robot, here we come_!"

Eggs hollered, because _damn_ was Wybie's dream infectious. He'd converted Eggs to have the same dream after only a few short months of living together. Raz copied the slasher smile Wybie wore, because _damn_ did he want to pilot a giant robot. One more reason why deserting the Federation was the best decision of his life. Dipper smirked, because damn his friends were cute when they get all giddy about something.

But he couldn't get distracted by the adorably bloodthirsty now. Not when his fingers were dancing away at a separate terminal, planting a bug directly into the Institute's central database.

The dance didn't go unnoticed for long. Raz, still riding the high of success, thought it had been too long since he'd last annoyed the resident mad scientist. "And how's your plot for world domination going?"

"You joke, but I will take that as a prompt to explain this for the sixteenth time today." Dipper didn't give Raz a chance to regret his decision. He'd take a chance to run his mouth anytime. "This bug will create a backdoor to their database that I can access anytime, anywhere. And, once I upload this function to the extranet, so does everyone else in the known universe. Every book, every journal, every article, every paper they have ever made, accessible by anyone, anywhere, for absolutely zero credits."

Usually, Raz would have rolled his eyes, but the passion behind those words was… alluring. For once, Raz listened, and frankly, felt uneasy. "That… can be kinda dangerous, you know."

Dipper spun, and Raz suddenly found himself lost in the eyes of one of the most determined beings in the universe.

"_Everyone_ has a right to know _everything_."

Raz had to step back, lest he be overwhelmed, consumed, by the black hole made flesh standing before him. From a safe distance, though, the sight brought a smile to his lips.

"That's why you're the mad scientist."

Dipper returned to his work, only a few clicks away from completion. He savored the final click that put everything into place, like the last bite of a meal. A deep, throaty chuckle escaped him - one worthy of any mad scientist. "Let's see how long until these 'academics' figure it out."

Raz glanced over his shoulder at the opposite side of the chamber. "Norman?"

Fittingly enough, the opposite side of the chamber fit the descriptor in every sense of the word. Uncertainty, anxiety, and defeat hung over that corner like a thick cloud, invisible yet tangible. At the center of it was a poor soul, bearing the name Norman Babcock.

He was at his wit's end. He'd tried entering every word he could think of into the terminal in front of him - medium, spirit, ghost, afterlife, heaven, hell - and every single result he got was irrelevant. Unhelpful. He's standing in the center of one of the Federation's top institutes, granted unlimited access to their database, and he's still no closer to anything resembling an answer.

Norman stared at the cruel screen, fingers clawing at his rigid hair. Desperation had sunk its teeth deep. He scrambled to type in two more words.

Norman Babcock.

A red X. No results. Norman gritted his teeth, and typed again.

Agatha Prenderghast.

No results.

Norman closed his eyes. The air darkened. The cold despair swirled, shifted, rising, burning. The black turned red. His eyes flared open. He raised a clenched fist and reared back - his target, the softly glowing terminal screen. Would he finally give in?

No. The red in his eyes fizzled. His clenched fist loosened, and dropped to his side. Such an act was simply not in his nature. His gaze fell, but a comforting hand on his shoulder stopped him from succumbing further.

"I just want some answers. Is that really so much to ask?" Norman exhaled, tired, desperate for the light at the end of the tunnel.

Raz gave Norman a squeeze and a shake. A smile that goes a long way. "And you'll get them. We'll make sure of that. Plus, we still have plenty of time."

And that was the alarm's cue to go right the fuck off.

Raz groaned. "Great. Now it's _my_ fault. Thanks, universe."

The blaring sirens grew louder, as if responding to Raz's definitely sincere gratitude.

"Something tells me you're not at fault." Dipper smirked. He had some choice words picked already, and he couldn't wait until he could share them with a certain captain.

Wybie held the data drive in his hands with all the tenderness reserved for a newborn baby. "No worries, baby." He gave the hunk of metal a big ol' smooch, before shoving it inside his coat. "I'm gonna protect you with my life."

"We've got drones. Six of 'em." The display on Dipper's cyber suite laid it out plainly. Six red dots making their way to the vault - their current location. "Fifteen seconds out and counting."

Not a second to lose. Wybie moved to the vault door and prepared the compact shield strapped to his left arm. A press of a button, and the metal unfolded, forming a sturdy, if temporary, cover. Raz, Eggs, Norman, and Dipper were quick to fall in. The onslaught would soon begin.

"Impact in three… two…"

Eggs leaned back against the metal shield. "This _always_ happens."

"…one."

First, came the faint hum of airborne drones approaching. Then, the whirr of energy, of weapons charging their load. Last, the whizz of lasers, of projectiles crashing against the temporary aegis. Wybie gritted his teeth - the initial impact was always the hardest to handle - but kept his left arm and the cover steady. Time for a counterattack.

Dipper was already on it, no prompt necessary. Accessing a nearby security feed, Dipper identified the make and model of the drones; their strengths, weaknesses, and especially, vulnerabilities to cyber attacks. Creating the necessary code was child's play. He stuck a hand out from cover, and _released_.

The energy surge struck two of the drones. They shuddered, ceased firing, turned to face their fellow drones, and resumed firing. The other four turned from state-of-the-art defensive machinery to smoking piles of scrap in no time flat. Their task complete, they flew towards the group, towards Dipper - their new master - hovering close to his shoulders.

"Should we move out?" Wybie's shield shrunk to its compact size - a surprisingly smooth process for one of his contraptions.

Norman stole a glance towards the terminals, despite the failures fresh in his memories. "How bad is it?"

"The entire facility is alive," Dipper replied, eyes glued to his display. "The Federation can't be far behind."

Raz came to a quick decision - an ability continuously honed over the last few months. "We have to leave. Now." As executive officer, he had to be harsh and precise, but as a friend, he had more than enough apologetic smiles to go around. "Sorry, Norman."

Norman wanted to smile back, but the corners of his lips simply wouldn't budge. "It's fine," he said. The catchphrase of people who are definitely fine.

No psychic power was necessary to see through the façade, but even Raz knew this was not an ideal circumstance for a heart to heart. "None of us are dying in nerd nirvana on my watch. Let's move!"

The group wasted nary a moment to follow the order, except for Dipper, who had strong opinions on this shoddy institution being referred to as 'nerd nirvana', and was ready to voice them. It was a real shame the vault was empty before he could say a single word. He sighed, gave chase, and put a finger on his earpiece.

"So. Who are we shaming?"

* * *

"Nobody!"

Coraline ducked, the laser shot of a drone from behind flying past mere centimeters away from her hair. Lili spun, firing two charged pistol shots, while Winnie responded with a spray of machinegun fire. Coraline dove to a different hallway, following Mabel's lead, and hugged the wall like her life depended on it. Which it is.

"Awfully quick on the draw there, cap."

"It's an adrenaline-fueled situation. Don't read into it." Coraline mentally screamed at herself to not imagine a shit-eating grin on that smug face, but that was a bad idea, because now all she could think about was a shit-eating grin on that smug face. "Just get your pale behind to the exfil point, stat."

"I'll be there faster than you can say 'teenaged horndog'."

And then the line died. The devious intel officer didn't give her a millisecond to retort. It was a real shame his sister just happened to be standing right next to her.

"Mabel, I'm sorry, but your brother just died."

Mabel pouted. "Awww. Time of death?"

"As soon as we regroup."

A drone sped around the corner in front of Coraline and Mabel, lasers primed and ready. Its artificial intelligence expected such a blitz would catch the pirates unaware, but they weren't unprepared simply because they engage in idle chatter. A lesson learned the hard way, when the sharp end of a grappling hook pierced the drone's onboard camera. Mabel reeled the steel salmon in, straight into the path of Coraline's cutlass. Glowing like a blue giant and nearly half as hot, the blade cut through the drone like a plague through a second-rate colony.

Winnie caught up to them, jumping over the drone's remains as it rolled away. Her poker face fooled the captain, who sensed no mischief until it was too late. "So. About those fraternization policies-"

"Not now!"

To use the patronizing tone so often used by her father felt strangely cathartic for Winnie. "It's really becoming a problem."

"Not to me!" Mabel's grin was bold and shameless - a perfect declaration of who she was.

Coraline groaned long and loud into the palm of her hand. The sheer audacity of her friends, she thought, to continue this onslaught even with a weapon that has slaughtered dozens firmly gripped in her hand. Clearly, the captain was not privy to the title of this tale.

"There's nothing to be ashamed of, Cory." Mabel patted the good captain on the back. "Nothing wrong with being horny on main."

It was at this moment that Winnie, unfortunately, was instantly struck down and passed on from this mortal plane. Cause of death: excessive laughter.

Lili let loose two quick shots behind her, caught up to the group, and was thoroughly confused to see Winnie laughing her guts out on the floor.

"_You_!" Her confusion only increased when she saw a red-faced Coraline pointing a finger at her. "She was there too! Come on, chew her out!"

The situation suddenly became clear to Lili. "Sure, just casually add victim-blaming to your list of sins."

"Oh, you do _not_ get to pull that card." Coraline advanced, making her height known.

"Are you denying that you're the one who started it?"

"You pulled me. By the collar. _To_. _My_. _Knees_."

"Self-defense."

"Oh my- you're into me! Just admit it!"

A red streak whizzed between the ever-decreasing gap between Coraline and Lili's faces. They turned, and saw a squad of five drones rapidly approaching. A reminder that time was not a luxury they could afford.

"To be continued." Mabel helped Winnie to her feet and rushed ahead, her grin never faltering.

Coraline's cutlass lost its blue glow as she slid it into its sheath. "Please, god, no."

Their exfiltration plan was simplicity itself. Using a relatively unguarded back entrance usually reserved for the janitorial staff, plus a few ingenious disguises, the girls were able to infiltrate the facility, and now they intend to use that same route to escape. A more direct path from the hostage room to their designated exit existed, but they elected to take a more circuitous path. Less heat on the boys that way. Divide, and conquer.

But more than enough time had passed for the boys reach their exfiltration point. Time to cut to the chase. All they had to do was take a right turn here and-

Oh, did you really think they would escape that easily?

Four pairs of legs skidded to a halt.

Ahead, a swarm of two dozen metal disks, each weaponized with a pair of laser shooters, filled the air. Lining the walls, ten state-of-the-art turrets fitted with gatling guns loaded to the brim with kinetic rounds. And the pièce de résistance, a pair of iron men, the pinnacle of Federation-backed studies conducted in the Institute, armed with every weapon known to man and more. A veritable army of unfeeling metal, and at their center was their controller - the unpleasant construct of flesh, skin, and bone calling itself Jonathan Teletha Estarossa.

"End of the line, pirates," the jackass know-it-all boasted. "You might have evaded the clutches of the Federation all this time, but only because you have never faced the might, the cunning, the brilliance of a member of the Estarossa family."

"Alright, no one likes a tryhard." Mabel's tongue struck with pinpoint precision. The waste of oxygen choked on his own spit.

Coraline raised an eyebrow at Lili. "Estarossa?"

"Doesn't ring a bell," Lili lied. The name rang so many bells. Estarossa is a big name in the Federation. But the idiot before her was so readable; she didn't need psychic powers to know all of his buttons. Pushing buttons is such a fun pastime.

And pushed it was. The worthless excuse of a man's cheeks bulged and reddened, like a toddler. He composed himself, yes, but the moment would forever be marked in the annals of history. "I _was_ considering apprehending you all peacefully if you begged me for mercy, but your wanted posters _did_ say 'dead or alive'."

The pathetic threat was accompanied with the inching forward of the robot army. It would have made the threat less pathetic, if the filthy bag of meat wasn't wearing the most insufferable, most disgusting grin in recorded history.

"You know what," Coraline glared, her fingers wrapping around the hilt of her cutlass, "I deserve to treat myself."

The blade was halfway out before Lili's hand halted its journey. Coraline's stern eyes demanded an explanation.

"The Federation is bearing down on us. If they get to the Lost Cipher while it's unmanned, we're dead," Lili explained simply. "It's killing me to say this, but we can't waste time with him."

Coraline's attention shifted towards Mabel and Winnie. They had their weapons out, provoked, ready to give the insult to the legacy of humankind what he so rightfully deserved, but they held back, looking at their captain, awaiting her judgement. With a heavy heart, and a heavy breath, Coraline slid the cutlass back in its sheath.

"Fall back. Find an alternate route."

The verdict was disappointing, but the crew had nothing but utmost faith in their captain. Turning on their heels, they fled the scene, stalked close by a shower of projectiles.

"After them! Don't let the femoids escape!"

Four pairs of legs skidded to a halt.

Four pairs of eyes shared a look.

"Did he just-?"

"Yep."

"So, he's a-?"

"Definitely."

A new clip. An escalating charge. An unloading coil. A cutlass unsheathed and glowing blue. Four grinning girls.

Death to all incels.

* * *

A drone's barrage of lasers ended as its weapon began to overheat, and that was the opening Raz needed. He darted out of cover, four throwing knives leaving his hands, and meeting their mark. A worthless hunk of metal dropped to the ground, sputtered and sparked once, and lost all semblance of power. Raz strolled towards his fallen foe, grinning, completely unaware of a second drone behind him, lasers charging to full power.

But the pilot was never alone. An electric rod swung at full strength. The drone crashed hard against the wall. Eggs rushed in with a second swing of electrified iron. The gleaming plating yielded under the force of ramshackle scrap and junk. One final surge of sparks completely fried the machinery within, and the drone was no more.

"That's the last of 'em." Eggs blew a breath. Backed away. Wasn't everyday he got to do that.

Raz shot a pointed look at a sheet of dented metal near the corner, though not without an amused smile. "It's safe for your baby to come out now."

The dented sheet shrunk to its compact form, and a rare, smirking Wybie rose to his full height. "It's almost like you actually _don't_ want a turn on the giant robot."

"You keep pulling that card, I'm telling on Coraline."

Wybie laughed. "Touché."

Norman rose too, from behind Wybie, slowly, leaning on the wall to steady himself. All this running and hiding was too much physical strain on the poor boy, and the complete lack of answers was a double gut punch he didn't need nor deserve. If anyone were to ask him, this heist had been a complete bust. He couldn't wait to be back behind the navigator's seat.

Lucky him, Wybie was well on his way to make that wish a reality. In a small alcove in this extensive underground lunar tunnel, lie his beloved hoverbike. A simple cloaking device had hidden it from sight as an extra precaution, so cherished this vehicle was by the engineer. He mounted it, the engine roaring to life soon after, the noise echoing beautifully.

And not a second too soon, as footsteps from a distance signaled the rejoining of Dipper with the group. "All the locks on the girls' path have been disabled." He glanced behind, at the path he had just taken. "Waiting game starts now."

A most miserable game, in Norman's opinion. Especially so when the seconds ticked past the promised mark. The opinion was rapidly growing in popularity, as the seconds ticked and ticked and ticked, with none of them able to do anything about it.

"The girls haven't checked in yet," he finally voiced. "Should we double back and help them?"

"You kidding me? They're the girls!" Raz's easy grin exuded the confidence he had in his friends. "I betcha they're kickin' _ass_."

* * *

Unbeknownst to the executive officer, he had just placed the winning bet.

To set the scene; on one side was a fearsome army of robots and their undesirable controller, and on the other, was the itchiest trigger finger this side of the universe armed with a machinegun powerful enough to be considered a war crime, the manic mischief made manifest wielding a grappling hook capable of delivering a veritable storm through its cables, the uncaring goddess of fire with a brokenly powerful plasma pistol in her grasp, and the captain, the knight, the angel with a sword of light, hell-bent on striking down every wicked being in the known universe.

Music, maestro.

The kinetic rounds of the turrets were peashooters compared to the storm of bullets and fire raining from Winnie's machinegun. The pristine halls of the Institute were swiftly transformed into a lead-riddled warzone, like a terrible miracle. The turrets were rendered unrecognizable, loaded with more metal than they were built with. Some survived the onslaught, but not for long, not when Lili's pistol hit full charge. The pistol roared, and two turrets were reduced to ashen imprints upon the wall. Another roar, another pair of turrets turned to atom dust by plasma fire. And just like that, the turrets were eliminated.

The metal man, the humanoid drone, dove into the fray. An onslaught of kinetic and energy rounds from its wrists and shoulders broke Lili and Winnie apart, forced them on the defensive. Dodging, weaving, taking cover in whatever cover was available, biding their time, plotting their revenge. This machine's demise will be swift and painful.

A chance! The drone paid too much attention to Lili, chipping away at her cover. Winnie saw, and took it, unloading a hail of blind fire upon its back. The drone pivoted, the storm shifting towards Winnie, and that was the break Lili needed. Lili rose, aimed, and _released_. The drone's left arm was vaporized in a flash of red. In a brilliant display of poor decision-making, the drone turned to face Lili again, but it was too little too late. Another blinding flash, another arm reduced to a smoking stump.

And that was Winnie's cue to strike. With a fresh clip, Winnie leapt, shoved the business end of her machinegun up the drone's ass, belted out a scream to end all screams, and _squeezed_ the trigger. The sheer amount of bullets pierced the drone through and through. She trailed the nozzle up and up and _up_, to its torso, to its chest, to its head, rending the metal man apart into two messy halves, as if she wielded a blade of fire and metal.

The two halves dropped to the ground with a _clang_, followed by a _tink_, as Winnie ejected an empty clip, and loaded a fresh one into her gun.

And what about Coraline and Mabel, you ask?

The good captain had just sliced a drone clean in half, pierced a second through and through, and crushed a third to the curb with her gravity boots. The metal man's programming did not take kindly to its allies' termination, so it lunged into the fray, electrified titanium blades extending from each wrist. Sparks flew as steel clashed against steel, as Coraline parried the strike, as the drone dove for another, as Coraline blocked it dead in its tracks. The drone reared back, raising both its blades to the stars - an overhead strike that would surely mean the end for our good captain. Fortunately for our heroes, artificial intelligence could never understand the power of friendship.

A hook grappled the back of Coraline's jacket, and Mabel pulled her captain out of harm's way, the blade piercing through the floor. Coraline slid to a halt next to the manic medical officer, and a thumbs up of gratitude was exchanged.

No further pleasantries could be exchanged however, not when a dozen drones swarmed to surround them like moths to a flame. And like moths, they will burn.

"Skullheart Special?"

"Skullheart Special."

Coraline gave the cutlass a little twirl, and tossed it, past all the drones, towards the metal man with its blades still stuck to the floor. Her aim struck true, the cutlass lodging itself into its chest. The metal man staggered, and recovered, but the AI could have never prepared itself for a pirate captain to soar through the air towards it, boot first. The modified gravity boots were really proving their worth in this incursion.

The boots' impact completely collapsed the plating of the metal man's chest armor, and lodged the cutlass even deeper, breaking through its back. Coraline leapt away with a flip, granting Mabel a clear shot. The hook connected with the hilt of the cutlass. The cable was within Coraline's reach. Coraline pointed her feet at the ceiling. She flicked the boots on, grabbed the cable, and _pulled_.

No steel could resist a blade that carried the heat of a blue giant. And like a sun, the blade rose at dawn. The drone's torso and head were cut into two perfect halves - the final nail in the coffin for the iron men. Coraline, smirking, allowed the cable to slip out of her fingers. Her part in the dance was done. The hook reeled back to its source, cutlass still attached. Time for a star to shine.

And shine she did. The sword of light made such a goal that much easier to attain. Graceful and fearsome like a queen, Mabel danced through the barrage of lasers - courtesy of the drones circling her - with nary a lock of hair scathed. Her hand completed the routine, spinning the cable above her head, and with the cutlass still merged with the hook, it wasn't hard to picture the result. Drones dropped like flies, cut into a million tiny pieces by a whirlwind of superheated steel, spinning at the speed of light.

Mabel released the cutlass and reeled the hook. Coraline touched down beside Mabel. The cutlass returned to the hands of its rightful owner. The captain, sheathing her deadly blade, and the star, striking a pose with her trusted grappling hook, stood with their backs to each other, basking in victory.

"This is…!"

"…how pirates do it!"

Another struggle against impossible odds, another victory under their belt.

But did you truly think the outcome could be any different?

The four girls converged once more in the middle of the hallway, sweaty and drained, but smiling and satisfied.

"Boy, that was a workout!" Mabel chuckled between labored breaths. "What were we doing again? Oh, right, escaping!"

"Hold it!"

Unfortunately, for everyone involved, the cowardly cockroach had the sense to run away and duck behind a pillar as soon as the fighting started, and as such he managed to survive. Now, he has returned, pointing a puny pistol at the girls with trembling hands.

"As long as I'm still standing, n-none of you are going anywhere!"

The way his voice cracked really convinced the girls what a threat he truly was.

"Right," Winnie sighed, "we still have Billy No Mates over here."

Mabel pouted. "Aw dang, he's still alive? Thought some stray bullets would get him."

Coraline stepped forward, unamused. The human cesspool flinched. "Listen, dude, I personally would love to lop your head off, blend it to mush and flush it down the toilet, but we really have to go. Just put the gun down and you'll live," she offered, far too generously, considering what she's talking to.

"No, no, _no_! You are all beneath me! You can't possibly win!" The man-baby shook his head and stomped his feet. Calling his behavior toddler-like would be an insult to toddlers. "I'll bring all you femoids to heel, or my name isn't Johnny T. Est-!"

The roar of a plasma pistol echoed through the halls, followed by a thump of metal as a lifeless, worthless, crotchless body of an incel hit the floor.

"_Yeowch_." Mabel inched closer to the corpse and gave it a light kick. Not even a twitch. "I mean, he totally deserved it, but _ouch_."

Lili slid her pistol back in her belt. She spared the correct amount of attention such a creature deserved - none. "Like he's ever going to use it." She glanced down. The palm of her hand was turning black from how much she had to use the pistol today.

She closed her palm and hid it from view. No one saw. Good. Let's keep it that way.

Winnie surveyed her surroundings, taking in the carnage they caused for the first time. "Damn, how much time did that took?"

"_Coraline_!"

Dipper's voice ringing through her earpiece was all the answer Coraline needed. "Too much."

"Coraline, where the hell are you?! We already have Euclid-class Federation ships inbound!"

Coraline flinched. That was, indeed, bad. A Plan C was rushed to production in her mind. "Change of plans. Go ahead and take off now," she ordered.

"How will we find you?"

Coraline smirked. "Just look to the stars."

Coraline unclipped a grenade from her belt. A glance at Lili conveyed all the required information for her next action.

"Mask on!"

Coraline tossed the grenade to the ceiling. Lili released a shot with impeccable aim.

Explosives and plasma mixes together to make one hell of a bang. One enough to blow a clean hole in the ceiling above, giving way to the cold vacuum of space. If the girls hadn't already donned their oxygen masks, that would've been a terrible and anticlimactic end to this tale.

The vacuum did its work and the girls offered no resistance. They were jettisoned out, along with all the dented metal and burnt scraps and one crotchless carcass, into the starlit sea. Mabel fired her grappling hook before they could drift apart. Coraline caught the hook in her grip easily; Lili and Winnie latching onto the cable. Even from here, they could already spot their beloved vessel, partially obscured by an asteroid belt - the glorious vision of mismatched black and white and deep purple, the Lost Cipher.

"Need a lift?"

Opposite of where the Lost Cipher waited on standby, a different vehicle was rapidly approaching. Much smaller, much more mundane, but no less significant. Wybie's hoverbike - easily recognizable by its multitude of extra thrusters - bore the burden of carrying Wybie, Raz, Dipper, Norman, and Eggs, and did so with no complaint. Dipper lowered himself on the hoverbike's right, extending a hand downwards. Mabel saw, grinned, and held her hand out to the stars. Their hands met, reuniting, clasping tight around the other, their grip as unbreakable as their bond. The chain of teenaged outlaws sped off towards the cosmos, leaving the ETTI Institute and Vadim VII far behind.

"At least the chauffeurs here are decent." Lili smirked up at her lover.

Raz tipped an imaginary hat. "Happy to be of service, ma'am."

Coraline did the same to her own lover, but the curve of her lips slowly reversed when she noticed that there seemed to be a worrying lack of a particular data drive on his person.

"If you didn't get that blueprint, I will kill a man."

Wybie chuckled - because hey, that's kinda hot - then reached into his coat and produced the coveted data drive in his hand, holding it up in triumph. "Best Valentine's gift ever!"

"How was your night, Dipdop?" Mabel asked, bursting with cheer.

Dipper shrugged, the insufferable and lovable humble brag. "Oh, it's nothing too exciting. I simply ushered in a new age of free information and marked the beginning of true liberation of knowledge. You?"

"We killed an incel!"

"Nice."

"How's the electric rod treating you?" Winnie's eyes narrowed, expressing a concern seldom seen from her. "Is it too big? Too long? Too thick?"

"The rod's treating me fine. The size fits me just right." Eggs smiled at his dear friend, a display of amusement and genuine gratitude. You can stop giggling now.

The energy of cheer and merriment was contagious, infecting even Norman, though one could easily tell his smile was hollow, his laugh melancholic. "At least you all had a good night."

Wybie twisted the throttle hard. The thrusters doubled in strength, as the vehicle entered the nearby asteroid belt. The full majesty of the Lost Cipher was now theirs to behold. Coraline put a finger to her earpiece.

"Neil, start the warp sequence. We're getting the fuck out of dodge."

"Aye aye, captain!"

The lights on the ship flicked on one section at a time. The hum of sheer _power_ was palpable even in the vacuum of space. The hangar door slid open, a sign of welcome to home sweet home. Wybie tilted the hoverbike to match his new destination.

"Crew, we're not quite out of it yet. We'll warp a couple dozen systems away, go dark for a day, keep everything on high alert." Coraline's grin stretched so wide it must hurt. "Then we break open the Smile Dip cabinet."

"Woo!"

"Hell yeah!"

"We're gonna get _high_!"

* * *

**Johnny test fans don't me.**

**Second chapter in and already I can't contain the word count from ballooning to ridiculous numbers. It's a bad habit. Also, this makes the first chapter feel more like a prologue? And this is the proper first chapter? Since it's got everything the first chapter had, just more. More story, more violence, more flirting, more Smugness. Though I guess that is also an escalating thing that just comes naturally with a story. The point is, this got a lot longer than I thought it would be.**

**This fic continues to be a place for me to vent my- well, I was about to say controversial views, but hating incels is basically common sense, isn't it? Continuing the escalating thing, it's a lot more blatant in this one too. Fun fact, he was originally supposed to die by getting his head shot clean off. Kudos to one of my pals for suggesting that it'll be a lot funnier if he got shot in the dick instead. Join me next chapter where the MK executes a bunch of flat-earthers.**

**By the way, I have a poll open over on Tumblr about which fic I should work on this month. If you want more chapters of this sooner rather than later, go vote for it!**

**Next chapter coming as soon as it is finished. Until then!**

**If you would like to follow my writing and show your support, check out my tumblr! There's a link to it on my profile.**


	4. Scenario 3: The Lone Swordsman

This tale began with a pursuit.

The location, the shadowy outer reaches of the Bradyon system, once believed to be a natural dark spot for conventional radars, hence the perfect hiding hole for outlaws on the run.

The time, sometime after the larger sun reached its zenith and the smaller sun hung low, Local Galactic Time.

The pursuers, a Federation platoon of two Euclid-class destroyers and up to two dozen fighters, all loyal to the Federation to a fault, all willing to kill or be killed for their cause.

The target, the Lost Cipher and her dazed, discombobulated, dizzy crew.

The cause, a truly ludicrous amount of Smile Dip.

"Someone was supposed to chaperone!" The good captain Coraline, sitting on her rightful seat in the center of the Lost Cipher's bridge, roared. "Who the hell was the chaperone?!"

"Dipper." A meek voice chimed through the intercom.

Dipper threw his hands in the air, in shock, disbelief, and even outrage. "Oh, so that extra pack I slipped you meant nothing, huh? Neil? You traitorous oaf."

"Full offense, Coraline is way scarier than you, dude."

"_You_!" Coraline slammed a fist down on the arm of the chair hard, enough to dent the metal, her brows carved into a glare that could kill even the strong-hearted.

Unfortunately, her target was none other than Dipper Pines, whose resolve and stubbornness were nothing short of inhuman. "Like you weren't busy in your room playing Peg The Nerd with your boyfriend!"

What followed was a long, loud silence. "You have three seconds to take that back before my sword meets your dick," Coraline hissed. The temperature of the bridge dropped to below zero.

Raz, non-ace pilot and ace provocateur, snickered from the behind the wheel. "Ooh, be careful there, cap. He's had some experience with swordfights."

"Would you horny assholes just _shut_! _Up_!" Lili screamed, urged by the remaining vestiges of her sanity. "We have a Federation platoon right on our tail, loaded with enough shit to kill a ship twice our size, ready to _plow us flat_! And _not_ in a fun way!"

Coraline blinked, breathed, sat up straighter in her seat. The weapons officer, as always, carried a point as sharp as her tongue. There was a time and a place for everything. The ability to recognize it is paramount to surviving the realm outside the law.

"Just, uh, wanted to clarify that- that me getting pegged - that's not a thing."

An ability that the Lost Cipher's lead engineer clearly lacked. Coraline's hand moved, slowly, to cover her face, as the tired captain sunk further in her seat.

"How bad is it?"

"Uh." Dipper shook his head. Hearing that response over the intercom was an even bigger shock than the Federation ambush. "Distance 6000, closing in fast. E.T.A., fifty seconds. Fighters in twenty five."

"Wybes, divert energy to the thrusters and rear shields."

"Diverting!"

"Raz, full speed ahead. Don't let them get in front of us."

"Just how I like it!"

"Norman, plot us a warp course out, just in case."

Norman made a noise and a nod, but otherwise provided no further comment.

"Mabel, Winnie, man the turrets."

"Roger!"

"Okie dokie!"

Coraline left her seat, standing proud, brave, and tall in the maelstrom of incoming chaos, her cape flaring out behind her like the beautiful, terrible wings of a furious angel.

"Let's show them how pirates do it!"

Mabel and Winnie raced through the ship, through corridors they knew better than the back of their hand, reaching the turret seats with lightning speed, nearly at the same time.

"This is Winnie! I'm at the portside turret. Switching to manual!"

"This is Mabel on the starboard side turret! Switching to manual!"

"Manual override granted. Power divergence is at max."

Their display lit up at Lili's command. The sea of stars replaced the darkened chamber, breathtaking to behold, and unfortunately marred by rapidly approaching dots of metallic white. With Mabel grinning and Winnie smirking, they thumbed the trigger and lined their first shot.

But it fell upon the intel officer to alert when hostiles are in the killzone.

"Fighters are in range!"

And it fell upon the captain to give the order.

"Light 'em up, girls!"

No hesitation, no mercy. The first salvo of lasers took out six jets easily, turning them into scorched scraps and its pilots into cosmic dust. The swarm broke off, smartly, spreading out and away from the Lost Cipher to decrease the chances of a laser round to the wing, not that it stopped Mabel and Winnie from tagging one more each.

A festive lightshow was well underway, and the automated weapons haven't even joined the fun. Under Lili's eagle-eyed guidance, the smaller line of turrets were no less of a threat, chipping away at the scattered fighters until they too burst into an array of fire, dust, and blood. All the while, the photon peashooters of the fighters bounced harmlessly off of the Lost Cipher's mighty shield, and their pitiful excuse for a guided missile fared little better. If not for the token resistance, it could be rightfully described as a massacre.

The scene unfolding would be cause for early celebration, for a wet-behind-the-ears captain. Coraline had her eyes glued on the radar. A second wave of fighters was fast approaching, and the capital destroyers were never far behind.

"Moving into cyber warfare range. How predictable could these normies get?" Dipper's deep chuckle continued as he activated his cyber warfare suite, the screens unfolding in a circle around him.

Overconfidence can be a slow and insidious killer, and oh how the captain hoped her intel officer could learn that. "Stop talking and start walking."

"I don't walk." Dipper cracked his fingers. The keyboard flashed to life. The dance has begun. "I run."

To Dipper's immeasurable disappointment, he needn't run. The assailant's tactics were as routine as they come. First, they aim for the life support, then the shields, then the engine. A newborn baby could've repelled their assault simply by mashing the keyboard. Some stragglers thought to make things interesting, going for the weapon systems and the radar, but they were too weak to matter, their numbers too little. It was a bore. However, the thought that somewhere on those destroyers, a squad of hackers, each with years upon years of experience under their belt, were being stumped by a boy barely in his teens, brought him a high better than any drug.

The same disappointment was felt by the other half of the Pines twins. Two more fighters fell to her deadly aim, marking the complete annihilation of the first wave. A second swarm was eager to replace the first, eager to die just like them. They broke formation, spreading out in pairs, keeping their distance from the ship, yadda yadda yadda, the 200th century called, it wanted its strategy back. Mabel set her sights on one particular fish in the cosmic barrel and thumbed the trigger, ready to unload.

That fighter banked a sharp, sudden curve, set its thrusters to maximum, and made a mad dash towards the Lost Cipher. The explosion as it crashed against the shields was grand, blinding, and sent Mabel into a pregnant pause.

More and more jets followed the same, shameful tactic. A mindless, suicidal strike against the shields of the Lost Cipher, faster than they could be shot down. Mabel and Winnie could only stare in slack-jawed stupor as their displays were filled with frightening, fiery red.

"Those jets are loaded with explosives and EMP charges," Lili growled. Had she possessed powers still, the bridge would've been consumed by raging hellfire. "Disgusting."

"Our shields _are_ dropping faster." Wybie always kept half an eye on the ship's shield level, and though the numbers were yet to cause him worry, the existence of the phrase 'death by a thousand cuts' did not escape his notice.

Unlike her lover, Coraline had a cause for concern, and it wasn't the fighter jets bombarding the shields or the approaching destroyers taking aim with their cannons. It was the dark presence emanating from the intel officer's seat.

"Two can play at that game." Dipper's grin could only be described as beautifully maniacal. He cleared his display with a single swipe, setting a new stage for his next performance.

Already, Coraline had an inkling of Dipper's intentions, and unlike the Federation dogs, she knew better than to try and curb it. "Lili, ease off the guns."

"If you say so." There was hesitation, but Lili's faith on her captain far outweighed her doubts.

"Wybie, weaken the shields at point 7 and 13."

"W-weaken?"

"The mad scientist has a plan."

That was all the good captain had to say. A few taps by Wybie, and the two specified spots slowly lost their strength.

In perfect accordance to Dipper's precise prediction, the fighter jets took notice of the false weakness in the armor, and were all but salivating to chase after it like the dumb dogs they are. Ten jets, five on each point, broke formation, aimed towards the weakened spot, eager to die for their despicable cause. Ten would suffice for now.

Dipper's routine was nearly finished. Numbers, symbols, and lines upon lines of code streamed forth in maddening formation, unintelligible but to a chosen few, like eldritch texts of myth and legend. The culprit, the conductor of this chaotic orchestra, flashed a wicked smirk, unleashed an unhinged chuckle. One decisive motion, and the tumultuous tempest coalesced into a single, circular mass of black light.

"Your life…" Dipper raised his hands to the unfeeling cosmos. The executioner's sword poised to end their sinful life. "…is _mine_!"

He slammed his palm against the black mass. Their fate is sealed.

"_Code: Dark Prison_!"

The assault was overwhelming, yet unseen. Dark tendrils emerged from his domain, traveling, ravaging through virtual space. Their target: the operating systems of ten particular fighter jets. A graze was all that it took for the tendrils to infiltrate the firewall. They cannot evade in the realm of ones and zeroes. They did not stand a chance.

First, their machines shuddered, the entire system blinking on and off, as the tendrils violated every crevice of the coding. Then, sparks, as their lights, their display, went dark. Last, the display returned, but bearing only the eternal image of skull and crossbones, and the lights returned to life, but purple, bearing the same shade as the Lost Cipher - the last color they'll ever see. The takeover was complete.

"You wish for death," he chuckled. "Be careful what you wish for."

Their machines turned, with the pilots trapped inside helpless to resist. At Dipper's command, the jets took aim at their own capital ships, and set off at maximum speed. His target: the charging cannons.

The other Federation dogs were left none the wiser. Their squadmates were preoccupied with seeking glory to notice they had broken formation. The operators on the destroyers saw nothing wrong with ten of their own moving against the current. The trapped pilots screamed for help, begged for mercy, pleaded for their compatriots to notice their plight, but all hope for salvation had been taken from them. Even the option of ejecting was no longer theirs to make. The shields protecting the destroyers, still recognizing the jets as vessels loyal to the Federation, did nothing to stop their approach. Not a soul suspected a thing, until it was too late.

The impact, and the resulting chain reaction of explosions, was nothing short of beautiful.

Dipper leaned back, legs crossed, basking in the lightshow of fire and plasma and smoke and dust, of a well-deserved victory. On the opposite side of the bridge, Norman's nose began to bleed.

"Their main cannons have been disabled. Their ships' overall integrity has been lowered by forty four percent. I estimate twenty percent of the crew were lost in the explosion," he listed in cold satisfaction. "Hell, even got that five-headed dolphin in the blast."

"The what?"

Dipper blinked and shook his head. The dolphin carcass on his display disappeared, because it was never there. "Disregard that last statement."

Smile Dip, man.

Raz cheered, Wybie and Eggs shared a fist bump, and even Lili allowed a chuckle to slip past her lips, but Coraline didn't let herself be swept by euphoria. Something about this scenario didn't sit well with the good captain. The Federation could have picked a multitude of methods to truly cause them grief - a small boarding party, a cloaked bombing run, or even a precision cyber-attack. To announce themselves so brazenly, so quickly with open assault was a horrendous strategy. Almost deliberately so.

"Wanna turn around and finish 'em off, cap?" Raz asked with a grin that split his face. Anything other than a yes would greatly disappoint him.

"No. That's enough fun for today," came Coraline's firm reply. "Wybes, we're warping out. Start diverting power. Norman, those coordinates better be ready."

The disappointment Raz felt was immeasurable. It nearly undermined the joys of victory he experienced mere seconds ago. But he listened, and obliged. Everyone onboard the vessel did. The captain's expert, sometimes even uncanny intuition was one the main reasons why they remain living and breathing today. And that intuition continued to serve them. Because she is correct.

"Warp signature detected! Dead ahead!"

The ship fell into deathly silence. Quiet, reserved Norman never raised his voice. Whenever he did, it was a signal, an omen, of grand significance. For this scenario, his message was simple.

"It's a cruiser! Keter-class!"

Hell is coming.

Simply exiting warp space caused a shockwave that staggered the Lost Cipher's shields. A fortress of steel blotted out the sea of stars ahead, nearly thrice the size of their own vessel. A crest, instantly recognizable, of ivory and crimson, depicting a snarling, vicious watchdog of Hell. One of the Federation's famed flagship, the _Krass Jagdhund_.

"Oh, _fuck off_," Wybie moaned. "It's _one_ blueprint."

Onboard, legions upon legions of blind dogs allowed the mechanical marvel of a monstrosity, the floating palace, to perform at optimum, lethal efficiency. A brutal hierarchy ensured that total obedience was the only acceptable paradigm. From the peons, to the rooks and knights, to the bishops and queen, all conformed, in service of the king. At the palace's peak, inside the vessel's bridge, stood the leader, commander, king - a despicable soul without a heart.

"The _Hündchen_ and the _Ferkel_ received more damage than our predictions expected, but both ships are still operational."

"The pirate ship's shields have been successfully weakened. What is your next order, General?"

The despicable soul raised a hand. The tyrant shall enforce his decree.

"Deploy the warp jammer."

From the stern of the _Krass Jagdhund_, hundreds of metal cylinders were jettisoned into the sea of stars. The cylinders broke into pieces, forming a net of neon green lines that covered massive swaths of the cosmos, before the lines vanished from sight. A cold sweat broke upon each member of the Mystery Kids. Escaping was no longer an option.

"They're throwing up a net! We can't warp out!" Raz's grip on the wheel tightened, fingers growing cold.

"I knew it." Coraline's defiant glare never faltered, even in the face of certain doom. "This was all a trap."

The Mystery Kids must beware, for commanding the mobile palace of metal threatening them, was none other than the wicked, immoral, General Hugh Leonard Estarossa.

"Checkmate, filthy pirates," the tyrant boasted. "You will pay dearly for the murder of my son."

Quite the dilemma. Ahead, a flying fortress, one of the most feared flagship of the Federation, and behind, a pair of destroyers, damaged, but still operational, itching for vengeance. Truly, a rock and a hard place.

Coraline bit her lip. The good captain could feel it. The unease, growing more palpable with each passing second. The eyes of her friends, her comrades, upon her, silently imploring on their next course of action. She had already decided, and it brought her no joy to choose this path.

"Everyone lie down and play it cool," the good captain ordered. Every syllable tasted like bile. "We've broken out of prisons before. We'll do it again."

Their frustration was immense, their anger justifiably rising, but even more was their faith in the good captain, and in each other. Lili depowered the automated weaponry. Mabel and Winnie took their hands off of the turret's controls. Dipper, begrudgingly, prepared to open a channel to the _Jagdhund_, to negotiate their surrender.

Unfortunately for our heroes, the wicked general had other ideas.

"Send this message to all units," decreed the degenerate. "Fire at will. Take no prisoners."

The crew sensed it. More than that, they saw it. The destroyers moving into position. The swarm of jets advancing in formation. The cannons emerging from their ports and taking aim. The energy spike coming from all directions. A stranglehold of unfeeling steel, primed, ready to kill.

"Captain," Raz spoke, heavy and grim. "I don't think they're planning on locking us up."

Not a word was spoken. Not a word was heard. The dark vacuum of space turned green, filled with the deafening roar of photon cannon fire.

The entire ship trembled. The impact was enough to knock the crew to their knees. Miraculously, the little ship with the shield that could stood strong, but under this barrage, no one had any illusion of how this story would end. The good captain, always the one to shoulder burdens, made the difficult decision - their survival was paramount.

"Neil, grab our emergency gear! Wybie, put everything into the shields!" Coraline shouted, barely heard above the violent cacophony. "Then get your ass to the hangar and fire up your bike!"

The order has been given. Like it or not, the order must be carried out. Neil sprinted as fast as he could to the cargo room. Wybie and Eggs adjusted the power as per the captain's words. Mabel and Winnie unbuckled themselves from the turret seats. Coraline and the others present on the bridge got their feet under them and slowly made their way to the door, as the ship continued to rumble and weaken under the Federation's brutal, relentless barrage. The unfortunate retreat seemed to be proceeding favorably, until Raz noticed a troubling sight from the corner of his eyes.

"Dipper, what are you doing?!"

Three heads swiveled at the same time, to see that the intel officer had returned to his rightful seat, with his cyber warfare suite open and running, and his hands dancing furiously at the keyboard.

"No! We are _not_ abandoning this ship!" The look on Dipper's face was one of stubborn, fearsome, unshakeable determination. The look of an iron will.

Coraline had seen that look before, many times. She had to choose her words carefully. "Dipper, I get that studying this ship is important to you, but you have to be _alive_ to do it."

"That's the Watchdog of Hell! They don't stop until their prey is nothing but scrap metal!" Dipper pointed a finger at the window, at the crest of ivory and crimson beyond. "If this ship goes down, I'm going down with it!"

"No friend of mine is dying a death this stupid!" The good captain meant every word, every syllable of that sentence. She couldn't bear to have it happen. Not again. "Get your ass out of that chair _before I make you_!"

Dipper opened his mouth, and was preemptively silenced by a beep, a notification, from the navigation module.

Norman stumbled back to his station, and gaped. "Something just entered sensor range."

"Reinforcements?" Lili muttered. Her mind was already running a mile a second, of the various ways this scenario could get worse.

From the bowels of the Lost Cipher, Wybie's voice could be heard, shrieking, "_One_! _Blueprint_!"

"I don't think so. This signature is too small to be a ship, or even a jet." Norman leaned closer to the screen. If he didn't know better, he'd say it was small enough to be humanoid. _Wink_.

Dipper, ever the curious mind, opened a map of the area. "The unknown has entered the battlefield. Range 6. No, range 2!"

"That fast?!" Raz gasped, shocked beyond belief.

A bang. Another tremor rocked the ship. Red light bathed the bridge. They were distracted, and missed the signs. The scene out the window was a nightmare made real. A shower of shield shrapnels vanishing into the dark.

"They cracked our shield! A ship got through!"

Indeed. A Federation ship had dove into the shower. Its thrusters were set at maximum power, its nose aimed at the Lost Cipher's bridge. Its intention couldn't be clearer.

The distance closed. Not a single crew member looked away. Defiance, to the very end.

A blur of black and red. A flash of steel. A burst of fire and smoke, erupting only inches away from the glass.

Coraline and the others raised their arms to shield their faces, by instinct, from the blinding explosion. As they lowered their arms, as the smoke dispersed, a lone figure emerged.

"_Senchou_," he spoke. "our paths cross once more."

Coraline could only laugh, incredulous, relieved.

A solitary being clad in blackened robes stained with red. An enigmatic soul who had hidden his eyes behind a dark blindfold. A fearsome warrior wielding a deadly blade that never left its sheath. The one, the only, the lone swordsman of the astral sea.

"Kubo."

"I assume you are in need of aid?" he asked, ever humble and cordial in tone.

Another burst of laughter. "Big time."

Raz cleared his throat, a finger raised. "Uh, by the way, the Federation is a pretty nasty-"

"I am well aware of the Federation's crimes." Kubo's voice dropped, much like the chills down everyone's spine. "No convincing is necessary this time."

"Oh, yes, _please_." Dipper opened a new window on his display. The amount of data that he would gain of the elusive figure was simply _mouthwatering_.

A polite chuckle left Kubo's lips. "I see the passage of time has not quelled Dipper's fascination with me."

"You're his type." Lili smirked. She got to live another day and they now have one of their most powerful allies present. Hell of a turnaround.

"You really are," added Norman, much as he'd hate to admit.

The reunion was quaint, but the battle never ceased to rage. From the distance, through the field of shield shrapnels, a guided missile sped past. Its target: Kubo. The crew saw it approaching. No one in the crew was fast enough to warn him. The blast consumed him in a blanket of fire and ash.

The smoke cleared. Kubo remained. Unflinching. Not a hair, fold, or wrinkle out of place. He didn't even look upset. Or at least, far as the crew could tell. He's a difficult one to read, even without the blindfold.

"In return, I have one request, _senchou_."

Kubo spun in place. The battlefield before him was fierce, and he faced it head on without a hint of fear. He shifted his grip on his blade. His blackened robes waved like the wings of freedom in the nonexistent wind.

"If you must blink, do it now."

The lone swordsman _launched_ into the fray. The crew could _feel_ the entire ship being pushed backwards. A power to rend the cosmos.

A swarm of twenty jets were first in line, come to meet their maker. Kubo was damn eager to start. Twenty swings, faster than a hurricane. Twenty jets, gone down in one glorious explosion. His sword never left its sheath.

And the swordsman has only just begun. The fighters swarmed around the Lost Cipher like flies around a corpse. The _Jagdhund_ was still scrambling jets by the dozen. The two destroyers were ready with another salvo of cannon fire. Hundreds more fools await. Hundreds more fools shall meet the same fate.

Aboard the _Jagdhund_, unrest was spreading in the bridge, due to the presence of a hostile unknown on the battlefield.

"The unknown just took out the 66th squadron!" one dog barked in panic.

"What is that…?" another whined as he leaned forward in curiosity.

"It's an alien!" The despicable despot rose from his throne. "New orders, men! Shoot that thing down!"

A crooked finger hidden underneath an iron fist marked the fallen hero.

"Show that filthy beast the supremacy of humankind!"

Kubo sensed the change. The Federation forces have shifted their focus away from the Lost Cipher - good - and were now targeting him - better. All the easier for him to purge their existence from the universe. Hell, he had cut down twenty more fighters by the time this train of thought reached its end.

Meanwhile, the crew of the Lost Cipher has found themselves in quite the unusual position - that of a spectator. Indeed, all they could do was watch as, beyond the glass, Kubo flew across the astral sea like the wind itself, leaving a trail of flames, scrap, and bodies in his wake. When was the last time such glorious carnage occurred and they were not the culprits?

The door to the bridge slid open and the rest of the crew came barreling through. Clearly, they did not wish to miss the show.

"Did I hear that right?! He's _here_?!" Wybie screeched, grinning.

Raz gestured towards the spectacle. "See for yourself."

A thousand photon rounds turned the stars green, aimed towards Kubo. Pathetic. They cannot hope to match even a tenth of his speed. He dodged them all, moving at speeds impossible to follow by the human eye. Following the pointless onslaught, came an even more pointless swarm of a hundred jets. Kubo decided, he had wasted enough time. A fraction more of his power was needed.

Kubo stared down the swarm. Even hidden behind black cloth, each foolish pilot still felt the power of his gaze. The power of his blade. The power of a hurricane.

He breathed. Reared back. Breathed. _Roared_. And swung. One swing. One decisive arc. The dark sea turned blinding, merciless white. And the swarm was no more. Slashed to pieces, consumed by fire, reduced to atoms.

"Oh…" It was a miracle Wybie's legs were still strong enough to stand, as he sighed, swooning, falling. "I'm in love."

"Who in the bloody hell is that?" Winnie wondered in reverence, stepping closer to the front window. Violence has always intrigued her.

"That's Kubo," answered Lili.

"Who?" Eggs turned his head. His crewmates were being unnecessarily vague.

Coraline met his eyes with an amused glint. "Exactly."

Kubo breathed once more. The battlefield had been cleared. Only stragglers remain, and the pilots within has learned. They have shown their true, cowardly colors, orders be damned. Most would consider such circumstance a victory, but Kubo didn't allow himself to grin, or smirk, or smile. There was no pleasure to be gained from this. No peace. No going back. Not for him.

Kubo looked over his shoulder. His hidden eye pierced the impregnable hulls of the floating fortress. Every soul onboard in their right mind should be very, very afraid. How unfortunate then, that the one soul the others look to as a leader, wasn't.

"Why have we stopped firing?! Why aren't we sending out more fighters?!" he barked to the whelps scurrying around the bridge. "That filthy alien is still alive!"

One bridge lackey meekly raised a finger. "B-but, General, the alien has… that was nearly all of our ships…"

"We still have the _Hündchen_ and the _Ferkel_. Order _them_ to fire!" The general glared ahead through the glass. Pure hatred delivered without a word. "This battle isn't over!"

Indeed, the two destroyers still remain. They have moved to flank either side of the Lost Cipher, to gain a better line of sight of Kubo. Really, all they did was move closer to their own demise. Kubo knew of their approach. He knew what must be done.

Kubo adjusted his grip on his blade. He held it close to his chest, both hands on the grip, the blade dividing his visage into two equal halves. His grip tightened, the lumber beneath splintering just a bit more. Upon his call, more and more fragments of his power surfaced. He felt the winds licking at the edges of his robes. Felt them welcoming him to their secrets, to the eye at the center of the chaos. All who support him, rejoice, and all who oppose him, despair, for now all shall witness the true power of a hurricane.

Kubo raised his blade to the heavens. And _released_.

Everyone saw. Everyone heard. Everyone _felt_. The explosion of energy, invisible yet tangible. The wind surging, spiraling around him, growing faster, stronger, angrier with every cycle. The impossible cyclone forming in the vacuum of starlight, dwarfing even the steel fortress. The act of divine right - a glimpse of the power possessed by beings above mere mortals.

Eggs' jaw hit the floor at the speed of light. "That's a _tornado_. In _space_."

"Dude's been chopping ships in half with a sheathed sword." Wybie's grin stretched to split his face. "Just enjoy the show."

Kubo's first target: the _Hündchen. _

Coraline's honed instincts screamed. "Raz! Gravity anchors!"

Raz rushed to the wheel and pulled a lever. The gravity anchors were set in place. A smart move by the good captain. This will get extremely bumpy.

Kubo roared. The blade swung in a wide, downward slash. The violent vortex had no choice but to follow its will. The Lost Cipher began to rumble as the colossal tornado loomed ever closer, but the gravity anchors held firm, and the ship stayed in place. It could weather a passing glance from the whirlwind. Such a blessing was not given to the _Hündchen_.

It tried to escape. The crew onboard finally valued their own lives more than the order of their superiors, unfortunately, a tad too late. They could only flail like fools and beg in vain as their vessel was struck with the full brunt of the hurricane. The puny thing didn't stand a chance. The wind swept it into the maddening torrent as if it was nothing but a plastic toy.

Next: the _Ferkel_.

A wide, upward slash. The tornado, and the _Hündchen _with it, came for the _Ferkel_ from below. It too attempted an escape. The crew too was reduced to whimpering whelps. The result was all too predictable. Another toy swept away by the hurricane. And as both ships tossed and turned and twisted in the terrible torrent, impact between them was inevitable. Metal crashed against metal. Steel was bent, ruptured, torn apart. Sections of both ships were either breached or broke apart entirely. The helpless crewmembers within were sucked out by the vortex, and left to freeze and die in the dark vacuum. A terrifying, breathtaking spectacle.

Kubo glared over his shoulder.

Last: the Watchdog of Hell itself, the _Krass Jagdhund_.

"Stand your ground, men!" the tyrant screeched. Panic was settling. His grip was slipping. "If I see even a hint of cowardice on this vessel, I'll cut you all down myself!"

And the worst of him surfaces. Threatening insubordination with death. There was no love between this captain and his crew. No respect. Only fear. And only weak men rule through fear.

Kubo has no time for men like him.

He spun in place. His blade sliced the dark sea in a perfect arc. The tornado, and the burning carcass of two Euclid-class destroyers, followed his will.

Hugh Leonard Estarossa, captain of the _Krass Jadghund_, feared general of the mighty Federation, let his iron fists fall slack to his sides, as he bore witness to a looming storm of steel.

Upon noticing their captain's distress, the entire crew ceased their panic, got their act together, and successfully repelled the incoming debris field.

Hah.

"Abandon ship! Abandon ship!"

"Fuck this! Fuck everything!"

"I'm taking the escape pod, assholes!"

"You take it, you're dead!"

"Every man for himself!"

Let this be a lesson to all who hears of this tale: Fear never prevails.

There was a certain sense of hilarity to be had, witnessing the once orderly officers of the Federation degenerate into frantic, backstabbing savages in order to ensure their own selfish survival. The hilarity only reached its zenith, because all the dogs onboard seemed to think surviving was a possibility.

The first impact was the tornado. The sheer force of it pushed the entire vessel back. Fierce winds reaching incalculable speeds flayed the steel off of the ship's frame. Cannons were bent and broken, rendered inoperable. Even if the crew hadn't run off like headless chickens, the ship was practically defenseless.

The second impact was the two destroyer carcasses. Not even the shield of a Keter-class cruiser was able to withstand two destroyers ramming it at full speed. The metal behind it fared no better. The highest quality space-grade steel reduced to cheap scrap in mere seconds. One explosion triggered another, then another, then another. Entire sections were set aflame, all hands lost. How far the Watchdog of Hell has fallen.

Now. The final strike.

Kubo laid a hand on the sheath, and with a flourish, finally, freed the blade beneath, letting the sheath disappear into the starlit sea. The steel was black, as dark as his robes, his hair, his blindfold. Sometimes, it would reflect the light from nearby stars, like a moon.

Within the burning bridge of the _Krass Jagdhund_, a bloodied tyrant rose from the wreckage, struggling to his feet. He gazed ahead, through the cracking window of his post, at the swordsman in black who had dealt his doom, his eyes filled with rage, denial, and fear.

"What. _Are you_."

A soul with a heart. Unlike you.

Kubo squeezed the grip with both hands, and raised the blade to the heavens. The steel changed, glowing as it surged with power, no longer dark. It shined with its own light, like the sun.

"_Tatsumaki_! _Zankatou_!"

The fortress of steel, the snarling crest of ivory and crimson, the cruel captain, the despicable soul; one strike cleaved them all in twain.

Each half slid out of alignment.

The wind carried the blade's sheath to Kubo's hand.

"There is _nothing_ my sword cannot cut!"

Kubo slid the sword inside the sheath with one smooth motion.

The universe turned white. The Watchdog of Hell was no more.

The Mystery Kids shielded their eyes from the blinding blast. The Lost Cipher's gravity anchors were pushed to its limit, screaming as it struggled to keep the ship in place. When the ship finally stilled, and the sea of stars was dark once more, the crew lowered their arms and their guard. Their eyes searched, a singular question in their thoughts.

Where is Kubo?

Their answer came when a figure in blackened robes descended from the heavens to land gracefully upon the Lost Cipher's figurehead.

"Holy-" Eggs opened his mouth to speak, but found no words matched what he felt better than, "Bloody hell…"

"Huh." Winnie discreetly squeezed her thighs together. Still wasn't clear on who he is, but _damn_. She knew what she'll be dreaming tonight. "I'm wet."

One step, and Kubo floated like a feather from the figurehead to come to rest before the bridge window. Though his eye was hidden, the crew could still feel his gaze.

"Did you blink?"

"And miss a second of that show? Hell no." The good captain smiled. How joyful it was to smile.

Kubo dropped to a polite, practiced bow. "Then I am grateful."

"Feels like that should be our line," Raz chuckled, sheepish.

"Howzabout you step inside so we can show you just how grateful we really are?" Mabel's grin and waggling eyebrows promised of titillating encounters.

Lili slapped her shoulder with the back of her hand, like a newspaper to an overzealous pup. "Down, girl."

"_Please_ do," Dipper breathed, his eyes shining with the glint of scientific thirst.

Norman slapped his shoulder with the back of his hand, like a newspaper to an overzealous pup. He said nothing.

"Well, a proper introduction wouldn't hurt." Eggs shrugged. The boy was always excited to meet new friends.

"An introduction would be _lovely_." Winnie leaned forward, and purred.

Lili could only sigh. "Neil, get the leashes. Again."

"That won't be necessary." Kubo raised a hand. The barest hint of an amused smile had broken through. "I cannot stay."

"Now, whaddya mean by that?" Wybie narrowed his eyes.

His eye might be hidden, but the crew could've sworn he's trying not to look at them. "I have someplace else to be. My apologies."

"Not even for a little bit?" Neil pouted, until a brilliant idea struck him. "Mabel's got more Mabel Juice…"

"This time, with one hundred percent more sticky nut juice!" Mabel pumped a triumphant arm to the air. The others either snickered or groaned.

"One day, I'll get you to stop referring to peanut butter like that." One could imagine which camp Dipper belonged to.

Kubo twisted his lips. Genuine conflict raged within him. One even fiercer than the battle that had just taken place. "I do enjoy that drink. But I'm afraid I must refuse," he eventually replied.

"Oh, come on! You can't just take off already," Wybie whined. And who could blame him? Everyone is fond of this lone swordsman.

"You gotta cut yourself some slack, dude!" Raz stretched, as if in demonstration. "Let loose! Have some laughs! Jam to some good music! Eat some Smile Dip! In fact, I think we still got a packet left over."

Kubo stilled. A sharp intake of breath went unnoticed by the crew. Music. How he longed to create such auditory pleasures again. To hold his beloved instrument in his arms once more. But such a life was behind him. Far, far behind him.

"Crew." Coraline's words silenced any other plea they were about to make. "Kubo's got his own shit to deal with. He just saved our lives. The least we could do is respect that."

"But," Coraline stepped closer to the window, stepped closer to Kubo, missing only a literal olive branch, "in my experience, shit is always easier to handle when you've got more than two hands."

Coraline smiled. The good captain's always was infectious. The spread was rapid, and acute. They glanced amongst themselves, and at Kubo, offering only their best, brightest smiles. A promise of true and pure companionship.

"My offer still stands, Kubo." The power of friendship only emboldened Coraline. She was certain this was what he needed. "Join us and we can help you."

The good captain's uncanny intuition served her well once more. Indeed, she was right. The warmth, the bond between the Mystery Kids stirred something deep in his heart. He longed for this, more than anything. And yet…

"I mean no disrespect, but my answer remains the same, Coraline-_senchou_." Kubo turned away and walked to the edge of the deck, his dark robes flowing behind him in the nonexistent wind. "Mine is a path best walked alone."

Coraline's smile faltered. They all faltered. But upsetting their savior would be the last thing they wanted.

"I'm not gonna pretend I'm not disappointed," she said. "But the decision is yours. We can't force anything on you."

Kubo's stony visage cracked to reveal a smirk. "It would be foolish of you to try."

A few scattered chuckles came in response. A balm, for the melancholic heart within. Our heroes knew of the unspoken inevitability. This would be farewell. For now.

"Until we meet again, Mystery Kids," Kubo said. A promise, and a premonition. "May your tale continue to be in your favor."

Kubo turned to face the endless, eternal sea of stars. One step. Two steps. And the lone swordsman was gone, carried by the cosmic wind, vanishing into the dark expanse.

Coraline moved to the window, to lay a hopeful hand against the glass.

"Hope your tale goes in your favor too."

* * *

**Another name for this AU could be Anime Bullshit AU.**

**So! That was Kubo. Or, more accurately, that was Edgy Kubo. Sort of. He's still nice, he's just had a bucket of black paint dropped on him. Well, a couple other things also got dumped on him. It'll all be explained, eventually. For now, just live with the mystery.**

**Also. Holy shit, ya boy actually did it. Ever since I started writing again, my dream has always been to write one of those absolutely BS over the top anime fight scenes. Finally, I came up with a scenario where shit like this can happen. It caused me a bit of trouble, I'll admit, because I ended up worrying too much about it being good, that it slowed my writing speed down to a crawl. Thank god I got over myself. **

**Anyway. Hope you enjoyed reading that. Stay safe out there, folks. And here are your Japanese words for the day.**

**Senchou = (ship) captain**

**Tatsumaki = tornado**

**Zankatou = ship-cleaving sword.**


End file.
